You cannot run from your problems. You cannot "get away" from your problems. You cannot escape from your problems. You cannot be rescued from your problems. You cannot solve your problems by changing or exchanging relationships. You cannot "Positive Think" your problems away. You cannot move somewhere else and leave your problems behind. You cannot. You can try any or all of these things, but they will not work. Why? Because . . .
"Wherever you go, there you are."
You are the problem. So, wherever you run, escape, flee, or move to, your problems will follow. You may trick yourself into thinking that you have left them behind, but it won't be long til they slowly work their way through your mental mazes and pop back out.
Even if you move to another continent, change your job, change your partner, change your look, start all over--a whole "new" life, it will not solve your problems. It cannot solve your problems, for they are a part of you. They are inside of you, and wherever you go, there they are!
Albert Einstein, indisputably one of the most intelligent men in modern history said, "You can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it." If you want to solve your problems, you must understand how they were created. You must understand the mind that created your problems.
Your problems are not what they appear to be. The odd behaviors that you do, the strange actions that you take, the inexplicable decisions that you make, these are all just clues that there is someone behind the curtain running your life, and most of the time you are unaware of this person!
I will now reveal to you who this person is! The person behind the curtain is . . . [drum roll] . . . The Subconscious You. Since "subconscious" means "below the level of our awareness", that means that "The Unaware You" is running your life! 95% of our of everything that we do is done without our being aware of it. Only 5% of what we do, we are conscious and aware of!
Since this is true, it means that the source of most of your problems is beliefs that you are not aware of in your subconsciousness. Most all of these beliefs were directly hard-wired into your brain during the first six years of your life--without being filtered in any way! (Note to my SDA friends: "Insert corroborating E.G. White quote here.") (1)
Some of your subconscious beliefs are simply outdated--they served you well at a young age, but are no longer applicable to your life now. Some of your subconscious beliefs are related to events in your young life that you experienced as traumatic or stressful. In either case, when you experience something similar now, your mind automatically goes back to that young age, checks the belief you made at that time, and then responds as that child.
"As that child." I know! I know! Finding out that the one actually behind the curtain running your life is a small child is a little disconcerting! But, think about it for a minute. Doesn't it makes sense in a twisted sort of way? Wouldn't that explain a lot of the inexplicable things you have done that didn't make any sense from an adult perspective? Don't you sometimes feel that your responses to certain situations looking back seem kinda childish? Has anyone ever told you that you were acting or responding in a childish way--maybe told you that you need to "grow up"? Have you ever felt like a child trapped in an adult body? I see you nodding your head slowly in agreement that this idea does make sense after all.
Great! So, now what? Well, the answer is simple and yet challenging. If the source of your problems is outdated or incorrect beliefs and you want to "grow up" and live life as an adult, you will somehow need to become aware of your subconscious beliefs, decide if they are still valid or not, then either keep them or replace them with better beliefs. At first glance, this is easier said, than done; however, new ways of accomplishing this are being added to this field of Brain Psychology as they are discovered. Although there are probably more, I am aware of six specific tools or techniques that can be used to accomplish this.
1. Hypnosis: I am aware that hypnosis does help with subconscious beliefs, however, I cannot personally recommend it due to my own personal beliefs about the danger of allowing someone else to have control of your mind.
2. EFT "Emotional Freedom Techniques" (http://www.eftuniverse.com/): I am aware of this because a friend of mine has tried it and says that it works.
3. Psych-K (http://psych-k.com/): I have personally experienced "Psych-K". I found it to be very beneficial due to the fact that you can find out what specific beliefs you have that are incongruent with who you are and want to be. For example, the stunner for me was that I found out that I had a subconscious belief that there was not a Divine Force running the Universe. I am a very strong believer in GOD and have been all my life! Yet, underneath it all I had this belief that was sabotaging and and undermining my desired belief. Psyche-K replaces your undesired subconscious beliefs with desired beliefs. The downside of Psyche-K for me is that it is very expensive and that it has more of a "new age" feel than I am comfortable with.
4. EMDR "Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing" (http://www.emdr.com/): I have personally experienced EMDR and found it to be very beneficial because it works on getting to your subconscious beliefs--especially the traumatic ones--and healing them. This is a powerful tool and I highly recommend it. The neat thing is that you do not even have to know what specifically you are working on and so you can heal traumatic memories that you are not even aware of or remember, per se. EMDR is “strongly recommended” for the treatment of trauma by Department of Veterans Affairs and Department of Defense for returning veterans struggling with PTSD. Although not as expensive as Psyche-K, it is still not inexpensive (think normal price for going to see a counselor). Because of it's efficiency, EMDR is covered by some insurances for PTSD.
5. The Healing Code(s): The Healing Code(s) was discovered in 2001 by Dr. Alexander Loyd. In his book, The Healing Code, he shares with you the science and story behind the code (much of what I have written here has been inspired by this book), and how to do a generic "healing code" to receive healing. The only cost is the book itself! However, if you wish to purchase detailed "codes" for specific problems and get quicker, more efficient help, there are a couple of different plans that you can pay to sign up for ($199). I just recently discovered "The Healing Code" concept, have read the book, and am currently doing the code on myself daily and seem to be noticing some benefit. For a more detailed report on my journey, go here : facebook: or My Blog:
6. Belief in a Higher Power: As a Christian, I would be remiss if I did not mention my belief that GOD, my higher power, can heal anyone or anything. I believe that a spiritual practice which includes faith, Biblical studies, prayer, and fellowship with other believers can be of extreme benefit to the healing journey. I believe that GOD can and sometimes does directly heal our minds and other times leads us to other tools--such as some of the ones I listed above--that will help us on our healing journey. If we allow, GOD will direct our paths to lead us to the path that best fits our unique healing.
All the best to you in your healing journey. I pray that whatever Higher Power you serve, that your journey will be guided into what will be the best for you.
Gary L. Clendenon
1. The Healing Code, Alex Loyd, Phd., p. 122
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
A Personal Health Update!
Hello Friends, It has been a while since I have given y'all a personal update. As most of you know, for many years I have struggled with Chronic Fatigue, due to a number of known and unknown problems with my body that are probably all interrelated. Known: Hereditary Hypothyroidism, Allergies, some aftereffects from nasty viruses I picked up as a Missionary in Asia, Traumatic Brain Injury due to numerous sports-related Concussions--the last one received in a car accident in 2005, Physical and Emotional Depression, a case of Systemic Candida, and Digestive Problems--at least partially due to a recent discovery of 2 parasites: Roundworms and Cryptosporidium. Turns out I've been eating for 3! (I am in the 2nd month of treatment for the parasites, which has been quite a challenge to my already fragile system.)
Recently, I was looking around on Amazon.com and stumbled across a
book entitled: The Healing Code: 6 Minutes to Heal the Source of Your Health, Success, or Relationship Issue
book entitled: The Healing Code: 6 Minutes to Heal the Source of Your Health, Success, or Relationship Issue
Having read The Bible Code and The Da Vinci Code and always being interested in getting help for my health--especially if it only took 6 minutes, I ordered a copy. I was a bit skeptical, but figured it was worth a try!
What I read seemed a bit hokey and way too easy, but after reading all the testimonials and the science and testing behind this theory, it seemed plausible. In a very simple nutshell, what really did resonate with me--and that is the focus of this update--was their belief that all illness and disease is caused by stress! So, their solution, obviously, involves getting rid of that stress. So, naturally, the question arises: "Where specifically does the stress come from?"
Turns out the authors are believers in Jesus Christ, although that is not the focus of the book and they do not push their beliefs, they do mention the Bible text in Proverbs 4:23 that says "Keep your heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life." So, they came up with a unique test to find out what are the issues of YOUR heart so that you can focus "The Healing Code" on those issues.
The Heart Issues Finder test is an online test (click for link) with a printable 12 page Report and the Authors claim that it is the only test in the world available that measures the issues of your heart. So, I took it and discovered that my number one "Issue" is actually related specifically to my heart (each issue relates to a corresponding physical system in our bodies). My number one "Issue" is a lack of belief in myself. In other words, I look to others for my worth and value instead of looking to GOD and then having the strength to believe in myself--in spite of what others may think of me or my beliefs.
As I have thought about these results, I do believe that they are right on the money. And, just now, I realized the connection with this issue and "stress"--the cause of illness and disease--is that the stress comes from me worrying about whether I am OK or not in someone else's eyes. I have noticed (especially on facebook) that if someone else disagrees with me, I experience rejection! Although intellectually I know that "Experience does not equal Rejection" (a Foundations saying), my emotional experience does not equal my intellectual belief.
As The Healing Code teaches, many of our subconscious beliefs cause us stress because they do not match up with our conscious beliefs, and because they are subconscious, we are not aware of why we are experiencing the stress. We are unaware of why we are having the emotional response we are having. This is the glory of The Heart Issues Finder because now we can become aware of what is going on in our deep dark heart of hearts! And then, with "The Healing Code" (as described in the book by the same name), we can fix these unseen heart issues.
As I examine sources of stress in my life, I am realizing that I will need to make some changes. These are not easy changes for me to make because these things have been a part of my daily life for years. I am going to need to pull way back from any discussion of politics. I have discovered that this causes me stress. I am going to need to avoid talk radio, for it too causes me stress. There are some TV shows that I may need to avoid due to their stressful content.
The number one question on my heart today has been: "What do I replace all these stressful things with?" So far, the only answer I have come up with is soothing or uplifting music. Any wisdom in that direction from you would be appreciated!
I want to encourage you if you are intrigued by what I have shared, to consider taking The Heart Issues Finder (see link above) and purchasing The Healing Code book to learn how to do the actual code--It is really easy and can truly be done in 6 minutes!
May your Higher Power's Love surround You now and Bless You today and Forever. This is my Prayer.
Your Friend, Gary
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
LOVE and WAR!!
If you are or have been in a marriage, you know that it is work! One of my favorite authors, John Eldridge, and his wife, Stasi, has just come out with a new book and DVD series to help couples work through the marriage maze! It's called Love & War.
Here's a blurb from their website: "With refreshing openness that will grab you from their first words on the Love & War eight-session DVD video study—designed for use with the Love & War Participant’s Guide in a small group or retreat setting—hosts John and Stasi Eldredge candidly discuss their own marriage and the insights they’ve gained from the challenges they’ve faced. Each talks independently about what they’ve learned, giving their guidance a personal immediacy and balance between the male and female perspectives that has been absent from all previous group studies on this topic.
The Eldredges acknowledge that Marriage is fabulously hard, but they advise you that the sooner you get the shame and confusion of the fabled fairytale marriage off your back, the sooner you’ll find your way to the real love and happiness you deserve.
The Love & War DVD and Participant’s Guide show you how to step into the great adventure of a fruitful Marriage God has waiting for you and your spouse … together.
Walking alongside John and Stasi Eldredge, you and your spouse will discover how your individual journeys are growing into a story of meaning much greater than anything you could do or be on your own."
Here is a link to their Love & War webpage where you can watch samples from the DVD and get more information about the book and DVD series.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
"There, But for the Grace of God, Go I"
By Gary L. Clendenon (c) February 23, 2010
Yesterday, I learned the news from one of my former students that one of my comrades has fallen. Scott Spies, Bible Teacher at Auburn Adventist Academy, was arrested last week for having sex with one of his students. (1)
As I began to process that information and grieve this horrible tragedy, I also began to recognize the similarities of Scott’s story to my own, and I was deeply sobered by the thought that his story could have been mine. The quote: “There, but for the Grace of God, Go I” came to mind as describing my relationship to this event, and I was overcome with gratitude for my own journey--even as pain-filled as it has been.
Scott and I are both 49 years old. We both graduated from Seventh-day Adventist (SDA) Academies as members of the Class of 1979. We both then went to Walla Walla College--the northwest SDA institution for higher learning--where we both studied to become SDA Teachers.
Along the way, we both sang in some of the school’s musical groups, worked as RA’s for the Men’s Dormitory, played intramural sports together, watched football on Sundays in the TV room, sat in the same classes, ate meals together in the Cafeteria, and even dated some of the same women!
After graduation, we both got jobs teaching in SDA schools. We both got married, and at some point, both of our wives left us. Apparently, it is at this point that our stories diverged. Led by the emotional devastation of divorce and the breakup of my family, I set out on a new journey to discover who I really was and why this terrible calamity happened to me. Scott, it seems, although I do not know the full details of his story, kept right on teaching.
There is one other thing that Scott and I have in common: we both taught the same girl--the one who shared with me the terrible news yesterday. She shared that she was “confused and broken”, as I am sure that many, if not all, of Scott’s former students are today. How could this have happened? As Christians, we know that he was tempted and gave in to sin. We get that. But, how could a good man, a spiritual leader who has helped numerous children grow in their own spiritual journey do this? Thanks to my own pain-filled journey and the similarities of my story with Scott’s, I believe I have some insights into the answer to that question--from “the road less traveled”.
After my divorce, I attended several seminars by Ron and Nancy Rockey which helped me immensely. Their seminars are Christian, educational and backed up with the latest research. They teach that we are ALL broken, but the good news is that “It’s fixable!”. (2)
One of the first things I learned from the Rockeys regarding the nature of the sexual relationship benefited me greatly in understanding this topic. They teach, as best I understand it, that research shows that one part of the sexual relationship is transaction based. When it comes to a sexual relationship, a woman is generally 80% emotionally motivated and 20% sexually motivated. She needs 20% from a man to feel 100% whole. When the man, who in a sexual relationship is generally 80% sexually motivated and 20% emotionally motivated, gives his all to a woman emotionally--his 20%, she responds out of her wholeness by giving her all--her 20% sexually--to the man thus allowing him to feel 100% whole.
Given this transactional nature of the male-female relationship, problems can arise for men when they are in jobs that by nature require or give opportunity for them to give of themselves emotionally to a woman. When a man gives of himself to a woman in this way, there is the possibility, unbeknown to him, that his subconscious may expect, or at least desire, a sexual payback to balance the subconscious equation. If the man is married, he can give of himself more freely because, hopefully, his sexual needs can be met by his wife. If the man is not married, then this can lead to, depending on the emotional health of the man, some challenges that he has to work through, or his eventual downfall, as seems to be in the case of Scott.
Related to this, the Rockeys also teach that brain research shows that the “God” part of the brain and the “sex” part of the brain are right next to each other, and therefore interrelated to each other in function. The implications of this research are interesting, to say the least--especially given that the sex act was created by God, and in its purest form, is the highest expression of love known to mankind. And, that God speaks of His relationship to the Church as that of a Bridegroom to His Bride.
The Rockeys say that this is probably one of the reasons Godly, spiritual men are so prone to sexual temptation. Because their brains are wired to be more spiritual, the tend to also be more sexually minded as well. From my own personal experience, I know that this seems to be true in my life, and I suspect may have also been a factor in Scott’s as well.
Another principle that the Rockeys teach that I believe applies to this situation they entitle “Like attracts Like”. They teach that we are strongly attracted to people who are at the same level of emotional maturity and brokenness that that we are on. In describing his relationship with his wife Nancy, Ron says, “The rocks in my head fit the holes in hers.”
This may be one of the reasons that Scott and I were friends. On a subconscious level, we were at the same level of brokenness. People often choose careers that relate to some area of their own woundedness in an effort to heal their wounds by helping others not to have to go through what they went through. I studied Religion and became a Bible Teacher because I wanted to find God. Sharing what I learned with others helped me get to that goal and made me feel good. I studied Psychology because I wanted to understand myself and others better, and subconsciously, to find healing for my brokenness.
I have no doubt that Scott had some level of brokenness that led him to have a heart for helping others, thus attempting to help himself as well, which led him to a career where he could help others. It is very likely that in connecting with this girl, her brokenness resonated with his, and his heart went out to her. He desired to help her, and no doubt in the beginning, did help her. Sadly, though, it was his brokenness that led to their downfall.
Nine years ago, I spent a month in a treatment center for Codependency and its related addictions. (3) It was there that I learned firsthand about addiction. It was there that I was introduced to myself. It was there that I got a glimpse into who I really was. It was there that I was introduced to the addiction recovery process as founded by Alcoholics Anonymous, also known as A.A. (4) A.A. created the now well-known 12-step program to recovery from addiction, which is now being used worldwide for all addictions. There is a saying that I learned in A.A. described in general terms here that helps one understand the addiction process. “Addiction is a progressive, potentially fatal disease.”
Last week in his apology speech, Tiger Woods acknowledged and described how denial helped him to act out his addiction:
“I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. ... I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled.
I was wrong. I was foolish. I don’t get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself.” (5)
When Scott Spies writes or gives his apology, you will probably notice it sounding very much like Tiger Woods’. I don’t know the nature of Scott’s addiction(s), and I don’t need to know, but being an addict myself, I do recognize the signs of addiction when I see them. Having been a teacher myself, I have experienced firsthand the temptations that that job brings--especially for a single, adult male fighting his own brokenness.
I do not doubt that in the beginning of this relationship, Scott had the best of intentions to help this girl. I believe that his heart was in the right place, but the phrase “one thing leads to another” is nowhere MORE true than in the life of the addict. His desire to help and bless was overtaken by his addiction, and once that ship sailed into the river of denial, only a miracle could have brought it back to shore.
As a Christian in recovery from addiction, I believe and understand that sin and addiction are synonymous. I believe we can just as easily say “sin is a progressive, potentially fatal disease.” Something like this doesn’t just happen overnight. I also believe as a Christian that we do have an enemy whose soul intent is to drag us down into unrepentant sin through whatever means necessary. Our enemy is a an expert in human psychology and has thousands of years of experience in masterfully leading mankind away from God. He knows exactly what our weaknesses are and exactly how to plant and patiently nourish the seeds that will eventually grow into huge, sticky, razor-sharp weeds that will all but choke out any other life we may have.
As one Christian writer put it in a chapter about the downfall of the Israelites due to sexual sins--from the Biblical story found in Numbers 25, “A long preparatory process, unknown to the world, goes on in the heart before the Christian commits open sin. The mind does not come down at once from purity and holiness to depravity, corruption, and crime. It takes time to degrade those formed in the image of God....” (6)
This is the sneaky, progressive nature of sin and addiction and why mankind was so strongly admonished Biblically from the very beginning to: "...watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you." Genesis 4:7 (NLT) And to the Israelites come out from Egypt: “...watch out! You will be tempted to turn your backs on the LORD.” Deuteronomy 11:16 (CEV) And in the Proverbs of Solomon: “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” 4:23 (NLT) And to the New Testament Church: “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8 (NLT)
Now I would like to look at one last answer to the question: “How could this have happened?” It is important to ask in these situations: “What was my role in this?” And for those of us who are members of Scott’s Church--fellow Seventh-day Adventists: “What was our part, or our Church’s part in this tragedy?”
When I was first exposed to the “12 Steps” as created and taught by A.A., I hesitated to just accept this new teaching. Being a Christian, I desired to run it through my Biblical filter before just jumping on board. Was this some kind of separate religion? A substitute religion? Or some New-Age deception? To make a long story short, I discovered that the principles and prescriptions laid out in the 12 steps were not only acceptable, Biblically, but in fact the very Biblical prescription for dealing practically with sin!
Throughout the millennia of Christian history and especially in the last two centuries, I believe the pure, Biblical formula for dealing with sin has been loaded up and gussied up with all kinds of unbiblical confusion. Not the least bit surprising given that "confusion" matches nicely with the goals of our enemy.
I know, from my own experience, that the reality the Seventh-day Adventist Church taught me growing up about sin--not necessarily the actual belief, but the reality of what was practiced--was that it was my job to be sinless. Sin, or even the appearance of sin was to be strictly avoided at all cost. If one was to admit to sinning or even having sinful thoughts, that one was immediately shamed, punished, and if the sin was deemed evil enough, excommunicated from the Church and community--if not officially, then most certainly unofficially. That person was to be avoided like the plague.
From this upbringing, I learned to avoid all sinners--for sin was contagious, I learned to never reveal my true inner thoughts--for they were most certainly constantly sinful, and I learned to put on a mask of implied piety--for I must appear sinless to all or I would be taken down. This practice of phoniness eventually led to my emotional breakdown and the resulting trip to the treatment center.
It was in that treatment center that I learned what, ideally, I would have learned in my Church, but didn’t. I learned that there’s no such thing as perfect people: I, along with everyone else, am a broken human being. Because I am broken, I sin. I learned that there is no shame in being human. There is guilt and there is consequences, and I am responsible for my choices, but regardless of what I do or don’t do, I have a God who loves and accepts me just the way I am, and forgives my sins.
Because I am loved and accepted unconditionally, I learned that I didn’t need to pretend anymore. I could take off my phony mask of pretended piety. I could just be who I am. I could be honest and real about what I thought and what I believed. I didn’t need to worry any more about pleasing everyone else with my behavior while completely ignoring who I was and what I wanted to do. I had to right to exist as a person with my own thoughts, ideas, dreams, and behaviors, as weird or different as any of those might be.
As a part of my treatment, I watched and participated in something that seemed very foreign and taboo breaking. It was so odd because, not only had I rarely, if ever seen it practiced before, but it went against EVERYTHING I had learned growing up in the SDA Church! I was very scared and really did not want to participate in this activity, but eventually did. I was afraid that I would be shamed, humiliated, embarrassed, and rejected--for that would have been my experience had I done this same thing in the Church or with Church people.
There is a saying in the addiction recovery movement, “You are only as sick as the secrets you keep.” So, as part of the 12-step process, I, the addict, had compiled a list of things done wrong to myself and to and/or with others (sins, if you will), and then I shared that list in detail with my group of fellow addicts. Every sin, every secret. Nothing held back. Nothing left out. I had fully exposed my true self and stood shivering with fear in my emotional nakedness. What I experienced next was surprising, shocking, and yet a most glorious gift. I received acceptance, not of my sins, but of who I was: a human being who by its nature makes mistakes. There was no shame; there was no rejection. I was among peers. We were all in the same boat. We were all human.
It was later, after some thought, that I realized that what I had experienced in my Church up until that point was, frankly, unbiblical. We Adventists had taken the prohibition of not confessing our sins to the Priest--as practiced by the Catholic Church--to such an extreme that we had completely ignored the Biblical command of James 5:16 to “...confess your sins to each other...” And notice what comes next in the text: “...so that you may be healed.” So, healing comes from confessing our sins to each other! That is what I experienced that day and every time since then when I have practiced the Biblical act of confession with safe people.
Now back to the question: “What is the Church’s part in this tragedy?” I must confess that from what I see in the SDA church today, although progress is being made in this area, we are clearly not where we need to be. For the most part our Church is not a place where the Biblical practice of confession of sins is taught or tolerated. Masks of phoniness are still worn and subconsciously encouraged. We have become the Pharisees and Sadducees of our day--the hypocrites--paying attention to the details of the law and ignoring the heart of the law. In order to look good, we have lost our authenticity by covering up our humanness. We have put our religious leaders up so high on pedestals that there is no way for them to get down without falling!
It is my belief that as long as the Seventh-day Adventist Church, and thereby all of its institutions and people, continues to remain ignorant of the transactional nature of the male-female relationship and its inherent potential for the sexual downfall of the male,
As long as the SDA Church and all of its institutions and people, does not take into account the extra sexual challenge that comes to being a spiritual, religious leader and educate and prepare resources for these leaders,
As long as the SDA Church, and all of its institutions and people, is unaware of the process of brokenness that led many of its people to serve others, and that that brokenness still lives within each of those servants, and that without a healing process, could lead to their eventual downfall,
As long as the SDA Church, and all of its institutions and people, does not stop practicing the sin of denial and allow for the true nature of mankind’s sinfulness to exist within it systems by utilizing the Biblical tool of confession of sins in a safe place and discouraging the false god of perfectionism through shame,
As long as these understandings continue to be ignored by the SDA Church and its people, and as long as the current practices of our institutional system are not changed, there will always be more Scott Spies. And there will always be stunned amazement that this could happen, as well verbalized by Marvin Mitchell, Principal of Auburn Adventist Academy, who was quoted as saying, “No one would expect one of their coworkers or colleagues to have this kind of an issue.” (7)
I am not saying that with these understandings and their resultant changes to the system, Scott would have been saved from his downfall, but I do believe that if Scott had been in an environment where these understandings were taught and prepared for, the likelihood of this happening would have been decreased.
Even if the SDA Church and all its institutions implement these necessary changes, there will always be sin in the ranks for we live in a world of sinful human beings, and until we get to Heaven, that fact is one that will not change. So, the sooner we come to terms with our conceptions of what sin is and what a sinner looks like, the sooner we will be able to help and avoid the tragedies that Scott Spies represents.
As I thought about my answer to the question, “What was my part in this, personally?” I remembered that there were several of Scott’s friends, myself and the former student I previously mentioned included, who in the last 6 months noticed that something wasn’t quite right with Scott. Some of us attempted to reach out and offer whatever help we could. Last month after noticing a couple of Scott’s cryptic facebook posts, I sent him the following private message:
“Dude! Are you OK? Are your vague and nebulous posts cries for help or are you just playing with us?
Either way, I just want you to know that you are not alone.”
I now understand why he did not answer and did not respond to others reaching out to him. It was already too late. He was trapped.
From this experience I have learned that I need to trust my hunches more and follow through on them. I need to be more proactive in my friend’s lives. When Jesus told the parable of “The Good Shepherd”, it was a story of going after the lost sheep, searching until it was found, untangling it from the mess it was in, and bringing it back to the fold.
It is clear that this parable shows us how Christ wants us to relate to lost sinners. This is the attitude I would also like to have and like to see exhibited in my Church and its institutions. No, I do not mean that Scott should now be restored to his former place or, God forbid, quietly moved to another place, but it would also be wrong to crucify him. It is my understanding that someone else has already taken Scott’s place on that cross. However, I pray to God that we will utilize this opportunity to get our heads out of the sand and learn from this tragedy, so that it will not be repeated again.
(1)http://www.kirotv.com/news/22631814/detail.html, http://www.thenewstribune.com/2010/02/23/1082191/bible-teacher-faces-child-rape.html
(2) http://www.fixablelife.com/
(3) http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/index.htm
(4) http://www.aa.org
(5) http://www.accesshollywood.com/tiger-woods-apology-speech-verbatim_article_29202
(6) Ellen G. White, Patriarchs and Prophets, p. 459
(7) http://www.kirotv.com/news/22631814/detail.html
As I began to process that information and grieve this horrible tragedy, I also began to recognize the similarities of Scott’s story to my own, and I was deeply sobered by the thought that his story could have been mine. The quote: “There, but for the Grace of God, Go I” came to mind as describing my relationship to this event, and I was overcome with gratitude for my own journey--even as pain-filled as it has been.
Scott and I are both 49 years old. We both graduated from Seventh-day Adventist (SDA) Academies as members of the Class of 1979. We both then went to Walla Walla College--the northwest SDA institution for higher learning--where we both studied to become SDA Teachers.
Along the way, we both sang in some of the school’s musical groups, worked as RA’s for the Men’s Dormitory, played intramural sports together, watched football on Sundays in the TV room, sat in the same classes, ate meals together in the Cafeteria, and even dated some of the same women!
After graduation, we both got jobs teaching in SDA schools. We both got married, and at some point, both of our wives left us. Apparently, it is at this point that our stories diverged. Led by the emotional devastation of divorce and the breakup of my family, I set out on a new journey to discover who I really was and why this terrible calamity happened to me. Scott, it seems, although I do not know the full details of his story, kept right on teaching.
There is one other thing that Scott and I have in common: we both taught the same girl--the one who shared with me the terrible news yesterday. She shared that she was “confused and broken”, as I am sure that many, if not all, of Scott’s former students are today. How could this have happened? As Christians, we know that he was tempted and gave in to sin. We get that. But, how could a good man, a spiritual leader who has helped numerous children grow in their own spiritual journey do this? Thanks to my own pain-filled journey and the similarities of my story with Scott’s, I believe I have some insights into the answer to that question--from “the road less traveled”.
After my divorce, I attended several seminars by Ron and Nancy Rockey which helped me immensely. Their seminars are Christian, educational and backed up with the latest research. They teach that we are ALL broken, but the good news is that “It’s fixable!”. (2)
One of the first things I learned from the Rockeys regarding the nature of the sexual relationship benefited me greatly in understanding this topic. They teach, as best I understand it, that research shows that one part of the sexual relationship is transaction based. When it comes to a sexual relationship, a woman is generally 80% emotionally motivated and 20% sexually motivated. She needs 20% from a man to feel 100% whole. When the man, who in a sexual relationship is generally 80% sexually motivated and 20% emotionally motivated, gives his all to a woman emotionally--his 20%, she responds out of her wholeness by giving her all--her 20% sexually--to the man thus allowing him to feel 100% whole.
Given this transactional nature of the male-female relationship, problems can arise for men when they are in jobs that by nature require or give opportunity for them to give of themselves emotionally to a woman. When a man gives of himself to a woman in this way, there is the possibility, unbeknown to him, that his subconscious may expect, or at least desire, a sexual payback to balance the subconscious equation. If the man is married, he can give of himself more freely because, hopefully, his sexual needs can be met by his wife. If the man is not married, then this can lead to, depending on the emotional health of the man, some challenges that he has to work through, or his eventual downfall, as seems to be in the case of Scott.
Related to this, the Rockeys also teach that brain research shows that the “God” part of the brain and the “sex” part of the brain are right next to each other, and therefore interrelated to each other in function. The implications of this research are interesting, to say the least--especially given that the sex act was created by God, and in its purest form, is the highest expression of love known to mankind. And, that God speaks of His relationship to the Church as that of a Bridegroom to His Bride.
The Rockeys say that this is probably one of the reasons Godly, spiritual men are so prone to sexual temptation. Because their brains are wired to be more spiritual, the tend to also be more sexually minded as well. From my own personal experience, I know that this seems to be true in my life, and I suspect may have also been a factor in Scott’s as well.
Another principle that the Rockeys teach that I believe applies to this situation they entitle “Like attracts Like”. They teach that we are strongly attracted to people who are at the same level of emotional maturity and brokenness that that we are on. In describing his relationship with his wife Nancy, Ron says, “The rocks in my head fit the holes in hers.”
This may be one of the reasons that Scott and I were friends. On a subconscious level, we were at the same level of brokenness. People often choose careers that relate to some area of their own woundedness in an effort to heal their wounds by helping others not to have to go through what they went through. I studied Religion and became a Bible Teacher because I wanted to find God. Sharing what I learned with others helped me get to that goal and made me feel good. I studied Psychology because I wanted to understand myself and others better, and subconsciously, to find healing for my brokenness.
I have no doubt that Scott had some level of brokenness that led him to have a heart for helping others, thus attempting to help himself as well, which led him to a career where he could help others. It is very likely that in connecting with this girl, her brokenness resonated with his, and his heart went out to her. He desired to help her, and no doubt in the beginning, did help her. Sadly, though, it was his brokenness that led to their downfall.
Nine years ago, I spent a month in a treatment center for Codependency and its related addictions. (3) It was there that I learned firsthand about addiction. It was there that I was introduced to myself. It was there that I got a glimpse into who I really was. It was there that I was introduced to the addiction recovery process as founded by Alcoholics Anonymous, also known as A.A. (4) A.A. created the now well-known 12-step program to recovery from addiction, which is now being used worldwide for all addictions. There is a saying that I learned in A.A. described in general terms here that helps one understand the addiction process. “Addiction is a progressive, potentially fatal disease.”
The key component to allowing the addiction to progress and get worse is the tool of denial. Addicts use denial to do something which if they weren’t in denial, they wouldn’t do. Because they know better. It goes against their conscience and their beliefs. Denial is another key to the answer of the question: “How could this have happened?” (“He knew better!” “He was a Bible Teacher for Pete’s sake!”) (Click here for an excellent article on the role denial plays in addiction. )
Last week in his apology speech, Tiger Woods acknowledged and described how denial helped him to act out his addiction:
“I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. ... I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled.
I was wrong. I was foolish. I don’t get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself.” (5)
When Scott Spies writes or gives his apology, you will probably notice it sounding very much like Tiger Woods’. I don’t know the nature of Scott’s addiction(s), and I don’t need to know, but being an addict myself, I do recognize the signs of addiction when I see them. Having been a teacher myself, I have experienced firsthand the temptations that that job brings--especially for a single, adult male fighting his own brokenness.
I do not doubt that in the beginning of this relationship, Scott had the best of intentions to help this girl. I believe that his heart was in the right place, but the phrase “one thing leads to another” is nowhere MORE true than in the life of the addict. His desire to help and bless was overtaken by his addiction, and once that ship sailed into the river of denial, only a miracle could have brought it back to shore.
As a Christian in recovery from addiction, I believe and understand that sin and addiction are synonymous. I believe we can just as easily say “sin is a progressive, potentially fatal disease.” Something like this doesn’t just happen overnight. I also believe as a Christian that we do have an enemy whose soul intent is to drag us down into unrepentant sin through whatever means necessary. Our enemy is a an expert in human psychology and has thousands of years of experience in masterfully leading mankind away from God. He knows exactly what our weaknesses are and exactly how to plant and patiently nourish the seeds that will eventually grow into huge, sticky, razor-sharp weeds that will all but choke out any other life we may have.
As one Christian writer put it in a chapter about the downfall of the Israelites due to sexual sins--from the Biblical story found in Numbers 25, “A long preparatory process, unknown to the world, goes on in the heart before the Christian commits open sin. The mind does not come down at once from purity and holiness to depravity, corruption, and crime. It takes time to degrade those formed in the image of God....” (6)
This is the sneaky, progressive nature of sin and addiction and why mankind was so strongly admonished Biblically from the very beginning to: "...watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you." Genesis 4:7 (NLT) And to the Israelites come out from Egypt: “...watch out! You will be tempted to turn your backs on the LORD.” Deuteronomy 11:16 (CEV) And in the Proverbs of Solomon: “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” 4:23 (NLT) And to the New Testament Church: “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8 (NLT)
Now I would like to look at one last answer to the question: “How could this have happened?” It is important to ask in these situations: “What was my role in this?” And for those of us who are members of Scott’s Church--fellow Seventh-day Adventists: “What was our part, or our Church’s part in this tragedy?”
When I was first exposed to the “12 Steps” as created and taught by A.A., I hesitated to just accept this new teaching. Being a Christian, I desired to run it through my Biblical filter before just jumping on board. Was this some kind of separate religion? A substitute religion? Or some New-Age deception? To make a long story short, I discovered that the principles and prescriptions laid out in the 12 steps were not only acceptable, Biblically, but in fact the very Biblical prescription for dealing practically with sin!
Throughout the millennia of Christian history and especially in the last two centuries, I believe the pure, Biblical formula for dealing with sin has been loaded up and gussied up with all kinds of unbiblical confusion. Not the least bit surprising given that "confusion" matches nicely with the goals of our enemy.
I know, from my own experience, that the reality the Seventh-day Adventist Church taught me growing up about sin--not necessarily the actual belief, but the reality of what was practiced--was that it was my job to be sinless. Sin, or even the appearance of sin was to be strictly avoided at all cost. If one was to admit to sinning or even having sinful thoughts, that one was immediately shamed, punished, and if the sin was deemed evil enough, excommunicated from the Church and community--if not officially, then most certainly unofficially. That person was to be avoided like the plague.
From this upbringing, I learned to avoid all sinners--for sin was contagious, I learned to never reveal my true inner thoughts--for they were most certainly constantly sinful, and I learned to put on a mask of implied piety--for I must appear sinless to all or I would be taken down. This practice of phoniness eventually led to my emotional breakdown and the resulting trip to the treatment center.
It was in that treatment center that I learned what, ideally, I would have learned in my Church, but didn’t. I learned that there’s no such thing as perfect people: I, along with everyone else, am a broken human being. Because I am broken, I sin. I learned that there is no shame in being human. There is guilt and there is consequences, and I am responsible for my choices, but regardless of what I do or don’t do, I have a God who loves and accepts me just the way I am, and forgives my sins.
Because I am loved and accepted unconditionally, I learned that I didn’t need to pretend anymore. I could take off my phony mask of pretended piety. I could just be who I am. I could be honest and real about what I thought and what I believed. I didn’t need to worry any more about pleasing everyone else with my behavior while completely ignoring who I was and what I wanted to do. I had to right to exist as a person with my own thoughts, ideas, dreams, and behaviors, as weird or different as any of those might be.
As a part of my treatment, I watched and participated in something that seemed very foreign and taboo breaking. It was so odd because, not only had I rarely, if ever seen it practiced before, but it went against EVERYTHING I had learned growing up in the SDA Church! I was very scared and really did not want to participate in this activity, but eventually did. I was afraid that I would be shamed, humiliated, embarrassed, and rejected--for that would have been my experience had I done this same thing in the Church or with Church people.
There is a saying in the addiction recovery movement, “You are only as sick as the secrets you keep.” So, as part of the 12-step process, I, the addict, had compiled a list of things done wrong to myself and to and/or with others (sins, if you will), and then I shared that list in detail with my group of fellow addicts. Every sin, every secret. Nothing held back. Nothing left out. I had fully exposed my true self and stood shivering with fear in my emotional nakedness. What I experienced next was surprising, shocking, and yet a most glorious gift. I received acceptance, not of my sins, but of who I was: a human being who by its nature makes mistakes. There was no shame; there was no rejection. I was among peers. We were all in the same boat. We were all human.
It was later, after some thought, that I realized that what I had experienced in my Church up until that point was, frankly, unbiblical. We Adventists had taken the prohibition of not confessing our sins to the Priest--as practiced by the Catholic Church--to such an extreme that we had completely ignored the Biblical command of James 5:16 to “...confess your sins to each other...” And notice what comes next in the text: “...so that you may be healed.” So, healing comes from confessing our sins to each other! That is what I experienced that day and every time since then when I have practiced the Biblical act of confession with safe people.
Now back to the question: “What is the Church’s part in this tragedy?” I must confess that from what I see in the SDA church today, although progress is being made in this area, we are clearly not where we need to be. For the most part our Church is not a place where the Biblical practice of confession of sins is taught or tolerated. Masks of phoniness are still worn and subconsciously encouraged. We have become the Pharisees and Sadducees of our day--the hypocrites--paying attention to the details of the law and ignoring the heart of the law. In order to look good, we have lost our authenticity by covering up our humanness. We have put our religious leaders up so high on pedestals that there is no way for them to get down without falling!
It is my belief that as long as the Seventh-day Adventist Church, and thereby all of its institutions and people, continues to remain ignorant of the transactional nature of the male-female relationship and its inherent potential for the sexual downfall of the male,
As long as the SDA Church and all of its institutions and people, does not take into account the extra sexual challenge that comes to being a spiritual, religious leader and educate and prepare resources for these leaders,
As long as the SDA Church, and all of its institutions and people, is unaware of the process of brokenness that led many of its people to serve others, and that that brokenness still lives within each of those servants, and that without a healing process, could lead to their eventual downfall,
As long as the SDA Church, and all of its institutions and people, does not stop practicing the sin of denial and allow for the true nature of mankind’s sinfulness to exist within it systems by utilizing the Biblical tool of confession of sins in a safe place and discouraging the false god of perfectionism through shame,
As long as these understandings continue to be ignored by the SDA Church and its people, and as long as the current practices of our institutional system are not changed, there will always be more Scott Spies. And there will always be stunned amazement that this could happen, as well verbalized by Marvin Mitchell, Principal of Auburn Adventist Academy, who was quoted as saying, “No one would expect one of their coworkers or colleagues to have this kind of an issue.” (7)
I am not saying that with these understandings and their resultant changes to the system, Scott would have been saved from his downfall, but I do believe that if Scott had been in an environment where these understandings were taught and prepared for, the likelihood of this happening would have been decreased.
Even if the SDA Church and all its institutions implement these necessary changes, there will always be sin in the ranks for we live in a world of sinful human beings, and until we get to Heaven, that fact is one that will not change. So, the sooner we come to terms with our conceptions of what sin is and what a sinner looks like, the sooner we will be able to help and avoid the tragedies that Scott Spies represents.
As I thought about my answer to the question, “What was my part in this, personally?” I remembered that there were several of Scott’s friends, myself and the former student I previously mentioned included, who in the last 6 months noticed that something wasn’t quite right with Scott. Some of us attempted to reach out and offer whatever help we could. Last month after noticing a couple of Scott’s cryptic facebook posts, I sent him the following private message:
“Dude! Are you OK? Are your vague and nebulous posts cries for help or are you just playing with us?
Either way, I just want you to know that you are not alone.”
I now understand why he did not answer and did not respond to others reaching out to him. It was already too late. He was trapped.
From this experience I have learned that I need to trust my hunches more and follow through on them. I need to be more proactive in my friend’s lives. When Jesus told the parable of “The Good Shepherd”, it was a story of going after the lost sheep, searching until it was found, untangling it from the mess it was in, and bringing it back to the fold.
It is clear that this parable shows us how Christ wants us to relate to lost sinners. This is the attitude I would also like to have and like to see exhibited in my Church and its institutions. No, I do not mean that Scott should now be restored to his former place or, God forbid, quietly moved to another place, but it would also be wrong to crucify him. It is my understanding that someone else has already taken Scott’s place on that cross. However, I pray to God that we will utilize this opportunity to get our heads out of the sand and learn from this tragedy, so that it will not be repeated again.
(1)http://www.kirotv.com/news/22631814/detail.html, http://www.thenewstribune.com/2010/02/23/1082191/bible-teacher-faces-child-rape.html
(2) http://www.fixablelife.com/
(3) http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/index.htm
(4) http://www.aa.org
(5) http://www.accesshollywood.com/tiger-woods-apology-speech-verbatim_article_29202
(6) Ellen G. White, Patriarchs and Prophets, p. 459
(7) http://www.kirotv.com/news/22631814/detail.html
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
We Are the World 25th Anniversary Edition for Haiti!
Stones cry out indeed! Since many times rock musicians were referred to as "Stoners", I applied that to this text and came up with, "If my people--Christians--are silent, then the Stoners will cry out!" For that is what was happening! The "Stoners" were doing the work of the Church because most of the church had its head in the sand (and that's the polite way of saying it!).
Now 25 years later, We Are the World has been revived for the terrible situation in Haiti. I am proud that the Church has grown over the last 25 years and has a better sense of what is important and is more embracing of this cause. Both Lionel Richie and Quincy Jones, Executive Producers, openly gave credit to God for pulling this song together again. It would be a sad thing for Christians to ignore this cause or throw stones at it again!
Here, without further ado, is the official video: We Are the World
Thursday, February 11, 2010
It's Valentine's Day!!
It's Valentine's Day!!
By Gary L. Clendenon (c) February, 2010
“Hurry, hurry,” they all say,
“It’s Valentine’s Day!”
Gotta get your special one
Something special or you’re done.
A dozen roses--that’ll do
But, why not make it two?
Fuzzy pajamas--that’d be nice
Or, your love carved on a grain of rice!
How about a special Teddy Bear?
Or, a “Teddy” that’s just barely there!
There’s no going to far...
Put here name upon a star!
But, let’s not forget
No matter what we get
There’s no gift that can replace
The smile of love upon your face
Reflecting a heart that’s true--
A heart saying, “I love you!”
By Gary L. Clendenon (c) February, 2010
“Hurry, hurry,” they all say,
“It’s Valentine’s Day!”
Gotta get your special one
Something special or you’re done.
A dozen roses--that’ll do
But, why not make it two?
Fuzzy pajamas--that’d be nice
Or, your love carved on a grain of rice!
How about a special Teddy Bear?
Or, a “Teddy” that’s just barely there!
There’s no going to far...
Put here name upon a star!
But, let’s not forget
No matter what we get
There’s no gift that can replace
The smile of love upon your face
Reflecting a heart that’s true--
A heart saying, “I love you!”
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
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