"WACO: A Survivor's Story" (Book Summary)

 

WACO: A Survivor’s Story

Book by David Thibodeau, (c) 2018

Selected Quotes compiled by Gary L. Clendenon, May 2019

History and Context: The Waco Siege began in early 1993, when a government raid on a compound in Axtell, Texas [near Waco], led to a 51-day standoff between federal agents and members of a millennial Christian sect called the Branch Davidians. The siege ended dramatically on April 19, 1993, when fires consumed the compound, leaving some 75 people dead, including 25 children. 

                                ~ History.com

David Thibodeau is an American Branch Davidian who [at the time of this story] was being led by charismatic leader David Koresh. Thibodeau was in the compound for the 51-day siege until he escaped, with eight other survivors, the fire that consumed the compound.

                                ~ Wikipedia

Before the Attack:

“What are you going to do six months from now when all this is surrounded by tanks?” David Koresh said one summer afternoon, when four or five of us were finishing off the roof of the three-story residential tower.

My hand, holding the hammer, froze in mid air. “They're not going to bring tanks against us!” I exclaimed. “Not tanks. That's real paranoid, David.”

David answered obliquely, launching into a commentary on the Biblical Nahum: the chariots shall be with flaming torches. ... I only half listened to him. To me it was inconceivable that the federal government could actually use heavy armor to attack us. Not in America, I said silently—surely? (p. 129)

April 20, 1993: The Day After:

What were a group of Americans to do that had been assaulted by its own government with such ferocity, not because we threatened anyone, but essentially because we were different?

Someone suggested tentatively that we’d just experienced one of the worst moments of religious persecution in U.S. history. “Not since the Mormons—” he said, and trailed off.

To me the words “religious persecution” sounded medieval. Wasn’t this the Land of the Free? The friggin’ twentieth century? I wanted to shout that this was nonsense, that we couldn’t possibly be persecuted for our scriptural beliefs. Not in America! But I kept coming around to an implacable question: Why else had we been attacked so fiercely? It just didn’t make sense. (p. 189-90)

“Authorities were able to take action against Davidians with such immunity because they [the media] and members of the general public shared a view of Koresh and his followers and the situation that allowed, even required, such actions,” stated James T. Richardson, professor of sociology and judicial studies at the University of Nevada-Reno and an expert on new religions.

Richardson and others have pointed out the crucial role of the media plays in distinguishing between “worthy” and “unworthy” story subjects. People or groups that the press decides are worthy of sympathy are described in ways that predispose viewers and readers to look upon them kindly. Those whom the media choose to demonize are shown in a light that distances them from public compassion. As Richardson remarked, “The dehumanization of those inside Mt. Carmel, coupled with the thoroughgoing demonization of Koresh, made it easier for those in authority to develop tactics that seemed organized for disaster.” (p. 200)

A major example of this crude characterization of David and our community was a TV movie of the week, “In the Line of Duty: Ambush at Waco” rushed into production during the siege, shown on NBC in May, 1993, and rebroadcast many times since. In the film, David was shown in the most damning light as a charismatic, Jim Jones—style monster obsessed with young girls.

However, in an address given at the 1997 memorial service for the people who died in Waco, the TV movie's writer, Phil Penningroth, recanted his role in shaping the NBC film. “Within days of the ATF raid, the Davidians, and especially Koresh, were demonized as the Jews were in Germany before World War II,” Penningroth said. “As we all know now, the government and the media painted a portrait of Koresh and Davidians that I now believe was insidious, malevolent, and ultimately destructive. To my everlasting shame and regret, I added to that distorted view. I pray that soon, very soon, other artist, other journalists, will recognize the truth of what happened here four years ago.”

In an ironic twist, the FBI became a victim of its own connivance. ... Having fed the media vicious tales, officials saw them amplified in a rising public pressure that eventually forced their hand. (p. 201)

The FBI’s “Jericho Plan” called for a “step by step” process in which tear gas would be pumped in to our building to drive us out over 48 hours, but no armored vehicles or gunfire would be used against us. The cocktail favored by the feds to subdue us was a chemical called CS in a solution of methylene chloride. … In January, 1993 the United States and 130 other countries had signed the Chemical Weapons Convention banning the use of CS gas in warfare; apparently there was no prohibition on its use against American citizens. … No greater concentration of CS has ever been sprayed by government agents at U.S. civilians [than what was used at Waco]. (p. 246-248)

This was the deadly brew the FBI brass was quietly cooking up for us while appearing to accept that we were ready to come out, as soon as David finished writing his interpretation of the seals [The 7 seals of Revelation]. (p. 248)

“We were sincerely expecting to come out. We had our bags packed.” ~ Clive Doyle, Survivor (p. 257)

It was the feds, not us, who created the conditions for a conflagration [an extensive, destructive fire]. For that terrible consequence, the government is completely responsible. (p. 259)

The [Government’s] Plan...was abandoned within minutes of the dawn attack. Throwing aside all restraint, the tanks hacked away wildly at Mt. Carmel. (p. 262)

Amid all this, the ATF [The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives], to mark its terrible triumph, took time to remove the tatters of our flag and run up its own bureau’s banner, along with the Texas standard and the Stars and Stripes. (p. 266) (See Footnote 1)

U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno spoke on “Larry King LIVE”: She claimed the FBI had hard evidence that our kids were being beaten—which was the reason she allowed the Feds to burn them! The logic of this escaped me. (p. 269)

The media spin was so powerful, it even began to twist my mind. Talk about brainwashing! (p. 269)

“Some religious fanatics murdered themselves,” President Clinton declared, but he was wrong. The truth is that a religious community that threatened or harmed no one was brutally destroyed by agents of the U.S. Government in broad daylight, watched by the world. The FBI assault on Mt. Carmel was one of the most violent episodes of official religious persecution in U.S. History. (p. 269)

All these official distortions of the truth were an early warning to me that the world outside had more or less made up its mind that we were merely a bunch of religious maniacs who’d murdered ourselves. (p. 269)

With the screams of my suffocating, scorched friends and the moans of the kids I knew and loved echoing in my ears, I wondered at the ways of the world. How could this woman [Janet Reno], who had ordered her cohorts to destroy us, be hailed as a Superstar? (p. 270)

After the fire, a charred copy of the Fourth Amendment was found in Mount Carmel’s ashes: “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated.”

I was troubled by the loss of my bedrock faith in America and its rule of law, in the essential decency and fairmindedness of the American people, their willingness to hear the truth and their ability to resist government and media manipulation. All that seemed to have been trampled underfoot at Mt. Carmel. The feds had refused to take any real blame for what they had done, and the American public had seemingly accepted their gross corruption of our moral and social inheritance. (p. 293)

All eight [Davidians who were tried, found guilty, and jailed] were heavily fined to compensate the ATF and FBI for their losses in attacking us. (p. 308)

If only Janet Reno had shown some contrition; if only she could have brought herself to admit that what she had allowed to happen in Mt. Carmel was a terrible mistake. If she had, the true healing process over this American tragedy might have fully begun. Without that generous admission, the public conscience remains in limbo, strung out between guilt and outrage. (p. 336)

Belief can’t really be explained to those who don’t have it, but that doesn’t make it invalid. (p. 340)

The situation could have been easily defused, but instead the FBI literally lit the fuse, hurled it into the building, and incinerated most of its inhabitants. (p. 344)

We’re living in a time [written in 2018] where it’s hard to find the truth and Waco serves as an example of how the truth isn’t always what we are presented. (p. 348)

Waco has left a stain on American history that will never be erased and we ignore its lessons at our peril. (p. 350)

FOOTNOTES:

1. https://www.stormbound.org/mount-carmel-property/branch-davidian-flag/

"A New Take on Romans 7: For Fellow Pharisees!" (Grace Note #102)

 

A New Take on Romans 7: For Fellow Pharisees!

(Grace Note #102)

By Gary L. Clendenon, March 26, 2013

In the Message Bible version of Romans 7, I find a new take on the role of Biblical Law in my life. The Law has been a well-defined box which has served the purpose of defining good and bad, right and wrong. The challenge is that sin, according to verses 8-13,

...found a way to pervert the command into a temptation, make a piece of 'forbidden fruit' out of it. The law code, instead of being used to guide me, was used to seduce me. … Once sin got its hands on the law code and decked itself out in all that finery, I was fooled, and fell for it. The very command that was supposed to guide me into life was cleverly used to trip me up.... Sin simply did what sin is so famous for doing: using the good as a cover to tempt me.... By hiding within God's good commandment, sin did far more mischief than it could have accomplished on its own.

Paul, who wrote these words, was a former Pharisee. As a recovering Pharisee and Perfectionist myself, I can so see the above words playing out in my own life's experience. We Perfectionistic Pharisees types have an unnatural fear of messing up—God forbid, doing something—anything—wrong! We grab a hold of the Law Code with all its rules and regulations and snuggle into the comfort of its clear and all-encompassing guidance. If there is any doubt about a particular rule, we quickly convene a Pharisee Council of our best and brightest and come to a consensus that we all then follow.  Ah.... Safety.

This is our temptation and sin. The Law was meant to guide us, not hide us! But, in our fear, we hide from life. We fence life out; we box fear in. Our fear of making any mistakes leads us to risk nothing. We live quiet, safe lives resigned to believing this is “as good as it gets”. At least, we tell ourselves, this side of Heaven.

We've been duped—swindled! We've been suckered by Satan's snares! We've calmly and cluelessly walked right into the web of woe prepared for us by our desire for comfort and safety. This is the Pharisees' temptation and sin.

Jesus says in John 10:10, “I came to give life—life in all its fullness” (more and better life than they ever dreamed of”, says The Message Bible). Fellow Pharisees, Jesus isn't talking about some future figure of speech. He means now! “Today, you will be with me in Paradise.” Today! “This is the day that the LORD has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Those over 3,000 plus promises that the Bible makes, they are not for tomorrow. “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.” Today! “...now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation.” Now! “The Message is as true among you today as when you first heard it. It doesn't diminish or weaken over time. ...The Message bears fruit and gets larger and stronger.” (1)

Fellow Pharisees, in our fear, we found the Law a perfect fit, and so we stayed. But Jesus is calling us forward—upward, higher. Through His Spirit, he calls us to come out of hiding behind the Law in fear. GOD's Law is not the issue. The issue is that through our fear the Enemy tricked us into embracing the false security of The Law instead of moving on—growing up (as GOD intended) into the Law of Love.

GOD's Law grows with us as we grow—from Fear to Love. If we are not experiencing the love of GOD's Law, we are mostly likely stuck and not growing. John says, “There is no fear in love; perfect love drives out all fear.” And Paul says, “If you love...you will never do wrong; to love, then, is to obey the Law.” (2)

When we focus on the rules and regulations of GOD's Law, our concern is perfection and failure. When we focus on receiving GOD's love, acceptance, and forgiveness and sharing that with others, we can begin to embrace a life full of freedom: freedom to live fully, freedom to be who we are, freedom to try out different things, and freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. We can know that we are human and GOD does not expect perfection from our broken lives. How could He? He knows, as any parent does, that we are gonna mess up, and He's gonna be there to help us pick up the pieces.

GOD's love is calling us to push through our Satanic fears and embrace a life full of freedom—in GOD's perfect Law of Love. Life is meant to be a sometimes exciting, sometimes scary "Adventure".  Fellow Pharisee, won't you join me? It's OK. We can do this! We are meant to do this! One little “Baby Step” at a time. This is our Great Adventure!  (Click for inspirational video)

FOOTNOTES:

1. Luke 23:43; Psalms 118:24; Luke 4:21; Colossians 1:5 (The Message)

2. I John 4:18; Romans 13:10

"Not Good Enough!" (Grace Note #59)

 Not Good Enough! (Grace Note #59)

Written by Gary L. Clendenon, July 7-12, 2018

Why is it that we often struggle with the feeling that we are “Not good enough”. I would submit to you that are two important reasons: one very true and one very false. I believe that understanding these reasons correctly can be life changing!

Being “Good enough” strongly suggests some kind of standard of perfection that we ought to be to be living up to. This “Standard of Perfection” is everywhere in our society and world. From the moment we are conceived we are swimming in this all-encompassing idea that we ought to be perfect. It’s as if it’s written in our DNA!

As we continue through our lives, everything in our world continues to beat home this message: “You must be perfect.” And, unfortunately, our value and worth seem to be largely determined by our ability to measure up to this “Good enough” standard. Where does this idea come from?

One of the things I love about the Christian perspective is that there is a logical answer to this question. This constant feeling about our lack of goodness is an ever-present reminder and an echo of a perfect past, a perfect beginning. “In the beginning, GOD created the heavens and the earth…. And, on the sixth day, God looked over everything he had made; it was good, so very good!” In terms of goodness, the very language for what we now feel comes from the very beginning.

So, what we feel now suggests a gap, a chasm, a huge change between now and back then. We all know the story: Our First Parents took the choice given to them by Almighty GOD to give life a go on their own. Because they were created to function ideally in Union with GOD, this choice introduced a horrible glitch into their lives, a glitch that led to brokenness, struggle, decay, and eventual death. This glitch was written into their DNA, and we, their progeny, naturally inherit this glitch. This is a Truth that, on our own, we cannot change.

The first reason that we struggle with feeling “Not good enough” is because, through no fault of our own, we ARE “Not good enough”.

In my description of “The First Reason”, I proposed that the reason we feel “Not good enough” is a DNA-embedded gift from our First Parents, Adam and Eve. It is a natural by-product of being born human. Some call it “The Human Condition”. It painfully and truthfully represents our deviation from a complete union with Almighty GOD and His perfect plan for humanity, and we deeply long for that “Good”.

Now, some will point out that our First Parents were deceived, and that is, of course, correct. And, to further that point, I will add that it would be quite foolish for us to ignore this fact and not learn everything we can from their mistakes. We would be wise to look at what we can learn from this key story of Adam and Eve being deceived.

The first and most obvious lesson would appear to be that our First Parents had an Enemy. The second lesson we can learn from their story is that their Enemy’s tool of choice was deception. The beautiful talking Serpent told Eve two complete lies which led her to make the choice to eat the fruit and change the nature of her relationship with GOD. Adam followed Eve into this deception and also ate the fruit.

Now, if we apply these lessons to our lives, we can deduce that we most likely face the same Enemy that Adam and Eve faced and that the Enemy’s primary mode of deception has not changed. A survey of the Bible quickly and strongly confirms these facts: We do also have an Enemy, and our Enemy’s main approach is deception through lies. See John 8:44 (Footnote 1)

The second reason that we struggle with feeling “Not good enough” is that we believe the lies that being “Not good enough” is our fault and that this matters to GOD.

This is HUGE!! Sadly, many, many believers in GOD are still—after thousands of years—falling for the Enemy’s lies. Two lies were told to Eve. Two lies continue to suck humans today down into the pit of shame and despair. This may come as a surprise to some of you, but it is not GOD’s desire, intention, or plan that we live in shame and despair!

The first lie we fall for is that “not being good enough is our fault.” And, if one follows that logic, that means that if it is our fault, then there is something we can and must do about it. Therefore, it’s our responsibility to be better, to fix this flaw, to try harder, to overcome.

Our whole society—including many Churches—is built to reinforce this lie. Everything around us shouts subtly—to sometimes not even subtly—“You’re not good enough.” And then, of course, conveniently, society supposedly has the answer for our problem: “Just DO THIS. Or THIS. Or TRY THAT!” Sadly, an even darker side of this deception is our society is hard-wired to gladly take our hard-earned money to continue to perpetuate this evil lie!

The challenge with this deception, as with all deceptions, is that there is just enough Truth mixed in to make it believable. That is why it was so important for me to share “The First Reason” we feel “Not good enough”: “Because we aren’t!” Ironically, it is this Truth that is twisted and sadistically sets us up for the deception that we can and must change our level of goodness to be good enough.

This lie is complete and utter bull-crap, and I am calling it out right now! I am taking this lie down in the most forceful way I know how—with the Truth! The Bible says that knowing the truth “will set you free” (2) and Christian, we need to be free of this demonic deception. Rebuke it. Renounce it. Speak the Truth to it. What is that Truth?

As shown in “The First Reason”, the GOD-awesome Truth is that our “not being good enough” is NOT our fault, and outside of living in relationship with GOD, there is nothing we can do to be good enough! It is not our responsibility to fix our brokenness; it is GOD’s, and He will do it!

The second lie is related to and naturally builds upon the first: “Our ‘Not being good enough’ matters to GOD.” Sadly the message we often get from the Church is that our being or NOT being “good enough” REALLY matters to GOD.

Unfortunately, this falsehood leads many to Pharisaic Legalism and a completely distorted focus on Perfection: We must try harder, pray harder, work harder to make it into GOD’s kingdom: “Watch out Christian Soldier! Any moment or tiny slip-up could lead to your eternal damnation!” This perspective is even perpetuated in our jokes. I think the most common “Christian” joke takes place at the Gate of Heaven where the sinner meets Saint Peter and finds out if he earned enough tokens to get into Heaven!

Sadly, believing that “being good enough matters to GOD” has led many a discouraged human, having tried their hardest to be good enough, to realize the reality of “The First Reason” (It is impossible to become good enough), and then say, quite logically, “If I cannot be good enough, what is the point in even trying??”

It is no wonder that so many at this point just completely give up having any religious practice at all. They may still believe in GOD, but, sadly, have accepted their “eternally damned fate” because they have fallen for this devious, twisted untruth! Others “Soldier on” in grim martyrdom until their death, all the while still believing the lie.

I feel so sad and even a little bit righteously angry to see so many people stubbornly struggle with this deviously evil untruth! I know that I bought into this lie for many of my 58 years and am just now beginning to see the Truth that overcomes this lie! I am so excited to share this life-changing Truth with you and hope that it brings you the Peace and Serenity that it has brought me. I have been working on these words for days, and I am so impatient to share them with you!

The Truth to combat this lie is: GOD Loves you and meets you and accepts you wherever you are. Whatever level of goodness you have does not matter to GOD because it is NOT your goodness that gets you into Heaven! Yes, perfection is required, but not yours! It is the goodness and perfection of Jesus of Nazareth that clothes you and washes away whatever imperfections and not-goodness you may have. When GOD, Your Loving Father, looks at you, all He sees is His beautiful child.

“But I keep sinning,” you say! Yes, you do, and just like any loving Father, when you mess your pants, Your Heavenly Father, without a word of shame or condemnation, removes the mess, cleans you up, puts some fresh clothes on you, and then gives you a kiss and says, “Now, go run and play.”

Friend, this is the True Gospel. This Truth is the thing that when you get a hold of will, as I stated in my first paragraph, forever change your life! To the extent that we accept and believe this Truth, to that extent will we be at Peace and in Serenity with our growing relationship with GOD. There is no shame even in our lack of ability to believe this. GOD meets us always right where we are at. We can always join the man from the Bible who cried out to Jesus, “I believe. Help my unbelief.”(3) And, He will—always.

FOOTNOTES:

(1) “You are the children of your father, the Devil, and you want to follow your father's desires. ...there is no truth in him. When he tells a lie, he is only doing what is natural to him, because he is a liar and the father of all lies.” John 8:44

(2) John 8:32

(3) Mark 9:24

"The Myth of the Faithless Human"

 

The Myth of the Faithless Human

By George Knight, adapted from a chapter in his book Myths in Adventism, pp. 130-132. (c) 1999.

Adapted by Gary L. Clendenon, 2024.

Click to see my previous post from this book "The Myth of the Sacred and the Secular"

All men are essentially religious in the sense that they live by faith, even though they may disclaim that fact with the greatest zeal and sincerity. It is not possible to make statements about reality without first having a theory for arriving at truth and, on the other hand, a theory of truth cannot be developed without first having a concept of reality. Human beings find themselves caught in the web of circularity. Nothing can be known for certain in the sense of the final and ultimate proof that is open and acceptable to all men. Every person—the skeptic and the agnostic, the scientist and the businessman, the Hindu and the Christian—lives by a faith. Each of us must individually make a “faith-choice” and a commitment to a way of life. All men live by faith in the basic beliefs they have chosen.

This fact does not come as much of a shock to the Christian, but it disturbs the average “secular” individual who has scientific “proof” for his beliefs. What such a person fails to realize is that science rests upon a set of unprovable assumptions that humanity must accept by faith. Thus, “naturalistic” science, when isolated, is in effect a religious alternative to Christianity. Science as method is valid in the sense that it can discover regularities in the physical world. But when science becomes a view of reality it has exited the realm of proven facts and entered the realm of metaphysics and religion and stands on the same faith basis as any other system of belief. Harvard’s George Buttrick wrote that “secularism is not objectivity, but a faith after its own kind.”

People cannot escape religious choice. A choice against God is still a religious decision. One cannot avoid individual responsibility to relate to Christ by pretending that He doesn’t exist. Religious reality encompasses all aspects of our lives. Neither can a person escape placing faith in something, since life becomes meaningless without an aim larger than our individual selves. J.E. Barnhart said it this way “the unbeliever is also a believer.” Marxism, for example, despite its antireligious attitude, has all the attributes of a formal religion, with its sacred writings, prophets, and holy places. We might say the same about “civil religion” in the United States, which sets forth the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence as its basic documents, has rituals surrounding such “holi-days” as Thanksgiving and Independence Day, and has shrines such as the Lincoln Memorial, which, according to Ira Eisenstein, “is visited by Americans in a spirit similar to that which animates the Jew who stands before the Western Wall” and has a religious experience. Belief in meaninglessness thus becomes a faith that meaninglessness is at the base of human existence. Meaninglessness, therefore, becomes a criterion for ordering life’s priorities and activities. In short, all people have chosen to believe in something.

"The Myth of the Sacred and Secular"

 

The Myth of the Sacred and Secular

By George Knight, adapted from a chapter in his book Myths in Adventism, pp. 127-129. (c) 1999.

Adapted by Gary L. Clendenon, 2024.

The myth of the sacred and the secular is one of the most destructive misconceptions facing Christianity today. This pervasive myth has eaten the heart out of daily Christian living by providing a rationale for people to separate their “in church” attitudes and demeanor from from the way they think and act the rest of the week in “the real world”. The idea of the “natural” being distinct from the “supernatural” is misleading. Such a dichotomy is a product of man.

The Bible, contrary to the myth, show a continuity between the “supernatural” and our everyday world. It demonstrates that God is at work both in the realm of human understanding and also beyond the limited human sphere. Ellen White, in debunking this myth noted that natural law is under the “continual and direct agency of God” (8T, p. 259) and that the daily production of food through the laws of growth is just as miraculous (supernatural) as was the feeding of the five thousand by Jesus (Ed, pp. 107-108). In the same vein, Jack Provonsha, of Loma Linda University, has written that “there is a sense in which everything is supernatural…. But there is also a sense in which everything is natural—natural, that is, to God.”

As popularly defined, secular implies those things that relate to this world as opposed to the church and religious affairs. Sacred, on the other hand, is that which is religious or that which belongs to a god or deity. The dichotomy of the sacred and secular disintegrates, however, when we realize that “the earth is the lord’s and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell within” (Ps. 24:1). Everything has an ultimate relationship to God because He is both Creator and Sustainer. In one sense, every shrub is a burning bush, and all ground is holy. Christianity is not a compartmentalized faith. The way a Christian does his work, therefore is just as important to God as the way he worships.

Nothing on earth or in the universe is separate from God. Everything is religious in the broad sense of the term. Even so, the words (“sacred” and “secular”) may be useful and should not be discarded. My point is that we must begin to use them with more Christian understanding and with the knowledge that they are never separate from their counterparts. I might, for example, still choose to use the word secular to express a worldview that leaves God out, but from the Christian perspective it is clear that secularism is still a religious choice. Decisions either for or against God are both religious in nature. Individuals can never escape the Creator and Sustainer, even though they may pretend to live in a world without God. Christians understand that nothing is secular in the sense that it is outside of religion. Everything has religious implications because everything is related to God’s creative and sustaining activities.

Click for more from this book "The Myth of the Faithless Human".

"Wherever You Go, There You Are!"

 

Wherever You Go, There You Are!

Meditation adapted from the book Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn, pages 195-200.

(Originally posted to Facebook May 29, 2014)

There is no running away from anything. Sooner or later, the things that you don't want to deal with and try to escape from...catch up with you—especially if they have to do with old patterns and fears. The romantic notion is that if it's no good over here, you have only to go over there and things will be different. The underlying thinking is that the reason for your troubles is outside of you—in the location, in others, in the circumstances.

The trouble with this way of seeing is that it conveniently ignores the fact that you carry your head and your heart, and what some would call your "karma," around with you. You cannot escape yourself, try as you might. It is easier and less threatening to our sense of self to project our involvement in our problems onto other people and the environment.

It is so much easier to find fault, to blame, to believe that what is needed is a change on the outside, an escape from the forces that are holding you back, preventing you from growing, from finding happiness. This can turn into serious delusion, an unending quest to escape looking at what is closest to home and perhaps most painful. Out of fear and yearning for someone special to help them see clearly, people sometimes fall into dependency relationships.

The casualties of this way of looking at things are all over the place: broken relationships, broken families, broken people—wanderers with no roots, lost, going from this place to that, this job to that, this relationship to that, this idea of salvation to that, in the desperate hope that the right person, the right job, the right place, the right book will make it all better.

There is no successful escaping from yourself in the long run, only transformation. It doesn't matter whether you are using drugs or meditation, alcohol or Club Med, divorce or quitting your job. There can be no resolution leading to growth until the present situation has been faced completely and you have opened to it, allowing the roughness of the situation itself to sand down your own rough edges. In other words, you must be willing to let life be your teacher.

This is the path of working where you find yourself, with what is found here and now. This, then, really is it...this place, this relationship, this dilemma, this job. The challenge is to work with the very circumstances that you find yourself in—no matter how unpleasant, how discouraging, how limited, how unending and stuck they may appear to be—and to make sure that you have done everything in your power to use their energies to transform yourself before you decide to cut your losses and move on. It is right here that the real work needs to happen.

So, if you think that the conditions aren't right where you find yourself, and you think that if only you were in a cave in the Himalayas, or at an Asian monastery, or on a beach in the tropics, or at a retreat in some natural setting, or with different people, then things would be better...think again. When you go to your cave or your beach or your retreat, there you would be, with the same mind, the same body, the very same breath that you already have here. After fifteen minutes or so in the cave, you might get lonely, or want more light, or the roof might drip water on you. If you were at the beach, it might be raining or cold. If you were on retreat, you might not like the teachers, or the food, or your room. There is always something to dislike. So why not let go and admit that you might as well be at home wherever you are? Right in that moment, you touch the core of your being and invite mindfulness in to enter and heal. If you understand this, then and only then will the cave, the monastery, the beach, the retreat center, your relationships, offer up their richness to you. But so will all other moments and places.

Gary's Psalm

 

A Psalm

By Gary L. Clendenon © 2007

Every day

When I awake to the real world,

My heart is instantly under attack: slings, arrows, barbs, missiles, bombs,

Hand to hand combat, and the devious, repetitious, deception of infiltrators

Claiming to be on my side--to have something “good” for my heart.

My only defense is

To constantly keep You, O God, in my heart.

You surround my heart with a blazing shield of protection

Keeping me from unrelenting distraction

That assails me from every direction.

When I mistakenly

Let my guard down,

Instantly, my heart is swarmed over by the enemy.

Every nook, cranny, and crevice

Overwhelmed by attack!

Other times,

Ticking time bombs lie dormant lulling me into a false sense of peace until

EXPLODING!

Blowing away huge chunks of my heart

In excruciating pain!

Then there’s the insidious virus that quietly over time

Rewrites the DNA of my heart

From striking colors to shades of grey--sucking the life-force from

My God-given calling. Unaware, I face the world

Zombified!

In times like these I cry out to You,

Though sometimes, only a whisper from the last good place in my heart:

“SAVE ME, GOD, FOR I AM DYING!  Don’t cast me out of your presence!

“Create in me a clean heart, O Lord my God

And renew a right spirit within me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation.” (1)

And instantly You are there.

Uprooting the virulent overgrowth of evil,

tearing down the enemy’s strongholds,

Dismantling hidden time bombs, and

Rewriting the code of my heart’s twisted DNA.

As color and warmth and light return

To my heart,

Then to my face,

And then to my life,

I praise You, O God, for your never-ending grace and mercy.

I lift up my sword

To YOU, My Champion,

And turn

To face the battle

Again.

1.  Psalms 51