"There, But for the Grace of GOD, Go I"
By Gary L. Clendenon (c) February 23, 2010
Yesterday, I learned the news from one of my former students that one of my comrades has fallen. This Friend, a Bible Teacher at an Adventist Academy, was arrested last week for having sex with one of his students.
As I began to process that information and grieve this horrible tragedy, I also began to recognize the similarities of my Friend's story to my own, and I was deeply sobered by the thought that his story could have been mine. The quote: “There, but for the Grace of God, Go I” came to mind as describing my relationship to this event, and I was overcome with gratitude for my own journey--even as pain-filled as it has been.
This Friend and I are both 49 years old. We both graduated from Seventh-day Adventist (SDA) Academies as members of the Class of 1979. We both then went to Walla Walla College--the northwest SDA institution for higher learning--where we both studied to become SDA Teachers.
Along the way, we both sang in some of the school’s musical groups, worked as RA’s for the Men’s Dormitory, played intramural sports together, watched football on Sundays in the TV room, sat in the same classes, ate meals together in the Cafeteria, and even dated some of the same women!
After graduation, we both got jobs teaching in SDA schools. We both got married, and at some point, both of our wives left us.
Apparently, it is at this point that our stories diverged. Led by the emotional devastation of divorce and the breakup of my family, I set out on a new journey to discover who I really was and why this terrible calamity happened to me. My Friend, it seems, although I do not know the full details of his story, kept on teaching.
There is one other thing that my Friend and I have in common: we both taught the same girl--the one who shared with me the terrible news yesterday. She shared that she was “confused and broken”, as I am sure that many, if not all, of his former students are today.
How could this have happened? As Christians, we know that he was tempted and gave in to sin. We get that. But, how could a good man, a spiritual leader who has helped numerous children grow in their own spiritual journey do this? Thanks to my own pain-filled journey and the similarities of my story with this man, I believe I have some insights into the answer to that question--from “the road less traveled”.
After my divorce, I attended several seminars by Ron and Nancy Rockey which helped me immensely. Their seminars are Christian, educational and backed up with the latest research. They teach that we are ALL broken, but the good news is that “It’s fixable!”. (2) One of the first things I learned from the Rockeys regarding the nature of the sexual relationship benefited me greatly in understanding this topic.
They teach, as best I understand it, that research shows that one part of the sexual relationship is transaction based. When it comes to a sexual relationship, a woman is generally 80% emotionally motivated and 20% sexually motivated. She needs 20% from a man to feel 100% whole. When the man, who in a sexual relationship is generally 80% sexually motivated and 20% emotionally motivated, gives his all to a woman emotionally--his 20%, she responds out of her wholeness by giving her all--her 20% sexually--to the man thus allowing him to feel 100% whole.
Given this transactional nature of the male-female relationship, problems can arise for men when they are in jobs that by nature require or give opportunity for them to give of themselves emotionally to a woman. When a man gives of himself to a woman in this way, there is the possibility, unbeknown to him, that his subconscious may expect, or at least desire, a sexual payback to balance the subconscious equation. If the man is married, he can give of himself more freely because, hopefully, his sexual needs can be met by his wife. If the man is not married, then this can lead to, depending on the emotional health of the man, some challenges that he has to work through, or his eventual downfall, as seems to be in the case of my Friend.
Related to this, the Rockeys also teach that brain research shows that the “God” part of the brain and the “sex” part of the brain are right next to each other, and therefore interrelated to each other in function. The implications of this research are interesting, to say the least--especially given that the sex act was created by God, and in its purest form, is the highest expression of love known to mankind. And, that God speaks of His relationship to the Church as that of a Bridegroom to His Bride.
The Rockeys say that this is probably one of the reasons Godly, spiritual men are so prone to sexual temptation. Because their brains are wired to be more spiritual, the tend to also be more sexually minded as well. From my own personal experience, I know that this seems to be true in my life, and I suspect may have also been a factor in my Friend’s as well.
Another principle that the Rockeys teach that I believe applies to this situation they entitle “Like attracts Like”. They teach that we are strongly attracted to people who are at the same level of emotional maturity and brokenness that that we are on. In describing his relationship with his wife Nancy, Ron says, “The rocks in my head fit the holes in hers.”
This may be one of the reasons that my Friend and I were friends. On a subconscious level, we were at the same level of brokenness.
People often choose careers that relate to some area of their own woundedness in an effort to heal their wounds by helping others not to have to go through what they went through. I studied Religion and became a Bible Teacher because I wanted to find God. Sharing what I learned with others helped me get to that goal and made me feel good. I studied Psychology because I wanted to understand myself and others better, and subconsciously, to find healing for my brokenness.
I have no doubt that my Friend had some level of brokenness that led him to have a heart for helping others, thus attempting to help himself as well, which led him to a career where he could help others. It is very likely that in connecting with this girl, her brokenness resonated with his, and his heart went out to her. He desired to help her, and no doubt in the beginning, did help her. Sadly, though, it was his brokenness that led to their downfall.
Nine years ago, I spent a month in a treatment center for Codependency and its related addictions. (3) It was there that I learned firsthand about addiction. It was there that I was introduced to myself. It was there that I got a glimpse into who I really was. It was there that I was introduced to the addiction recovery process as founded by Alcoholics Anonymous, also known as A.A. (4) A.A. created the now well-known 12-step program to recovery from addiction, which is now being used worldwide for all addictions. There is a saying that I learned in A.A. described in general terms here that helps one understand the addiction process. “Addiction is a progressive, potentially fatal disease.”
The key component to allowing the addiction to progress and get worse is the tool of denial. Addicts use denial to do something which if they weren’t in denial, they wouldn’t do. Because they know better. It goes against their conscience and their beliefs. Denial is another key to the answer of the question: “How could this have happened?” (“He knew better!” “He was a Bible Teacher for Pete’s sake!”) (Click here for an excellent article on the role denial plays in addiction.)
When my Friend writes or gives his apology, you will probably notice it sounding very much like Tiger Woods’. I don’t know the nature of his addiction(s), and I don’t need to know, but being an addict myself, I do recognize the signs of addiction when I see them. Having been a teacher myself, I have experienced firsthand the temptations that that job brings--especially for a single, adult male fighting his own brokenness.
I do not doubt that in the beginning of this relationship, he had the best of intentions to help this girl. I believe that his heart was in the right place, but the phrase “one thing leads to another” is nowhere MORE true than in the life of the addict. His desire to help and bless was most likely overtaken by his addiction, and once that ship sailed into the river of denial, only a miracle could have brought it back to shore.
As a Christian in recovery from addiction, I believe and understand that sin and addiction are synonymous. I believe we can just as easily say “sin is a progressive, potentially fatal disease.” Something like this doesn’t just happen overnight. I also believe as a Christian that we do have an enemy whose soul intent is to drag us down into unrepentant sin through whatever means necessary. Our enemy is a an expert in human psychology and has thousands of years of experience in masterfully leading mankind away from God. He knows exactly what our weaknesses are and exactly how to plant and patiently nourish the seeds that will eventually grow into huge, sticky, razor-sharp weeds that will all but choke out any other life we may have.
As one Christian writer put it in a chapter about the downfall of the Israelites due to sexual sins--from the Biblical story found in Numbers 25, “A long preparatory process, unknown to the world, goes on in the heart before the Christian commits open sin. The mind does not come down at once from purity and holiness to depravity, corruption, and crime. It takes time to degrade those formed in the image of God....” (6)
This is the sneaky, progressive nature of sin and addiction and why mankind was so strongly admonished Biblically from the very beginning to: "...watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you." Genesis 4:7 (NLT) And to the Israelites come out from Egypt: “...watch out! You will be tempted to turn your backs on the LORD.” Deuteronomy 11:16 (CEV) And in the Proverbs of Solomon: “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” 4:23 (NLT) And to the New Testament Church: “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8 (NLT)
Now I would like to look at one last answer to the question: “How could this have happened?” It is important to ask in these situations: “What was my role in this?” And for those of us who are members of this man's denomination--fellow Seventh-day Adventists: “What was our part, or our Church’s part in this tragedy?”
When I was first exposed to the “12 Steps” as created and taught by A.A., I hesitated to just accept this new teaching. Being a Christian, I desired to run it through my Biblical filter before just jumping on board. Was this some kind of separate religion? A substitute religion? Or some New-Age deception? To make a long story short, I discovered that the principles and prescriptions laid out in the 12 steps were not only acceptable, biblically, but in fact the very Biblical prescription for dealing practically with sin!
Throughout the millennia of Christian history and especially in the last two centuries, I believe the pure, Biblical formula for dealing with sin has been loaded up and gussied up with all kinds of unbiblical confusion. Not the least bit surprising given that "confusion" matches nicely with the goals of our enemy.
I know, from my own experience, that the reality the Seventh-day Adventist Church taught me growing up about sin--not necessarily the actual belief, but the reality of what was practiced--was that it was my job to be sinless. Sin, or even the appearance of sin was to be strictly avoided at all cost. If one was to admit to sinning or even having sinful thoughts, that one was immediately shamed, punished, and if the sin was deemed evil enough, excommunicated from the Church and community--if not officially, then most certainly unofficially. That person was to be avoided like the plague.
From this upbringing, I learned to avoid all sinners--for sin was contagious, I learned to never reveal my true inner thoughts--for they were most certainly constantly sinful, and I learned to put on a mask of implied piety--for I must appear sinless to all or I would be taken down. This practice of phoniness eventually led to my emotional breakdown and the resulting trip to the treatment center.
It was in that treatment center that I learned what, ideally, I would have learned in my Church, but didn’t. I learned that there’s no such thing as perfect people: I, along with everyone else, am a broken human being. Because I am broken, I sin. I learned that there is no shame in being human. There is guilt and there is consequences, and I am responsible for my choices, but regardless of what I do or don’t do, I have a God who loves and accepts me just the way I am, and forgives my sins.
Because I am loved and accepted unconditionally, I learned that I didn’t need to pretend anymore. I could take off my phony mask of pretended piety. I could just be who I am. I could be honest and real about what I thought and what I believed. I didn’t need to worry any more about pleasing everyone else with my behavior while completely ignoring who I was and what I wanted to do. I had to right to exist as a person with my own thoughts, ideas, dreams, and behaviors, as weird or different as any of those might be.
As a part of my treatment, I watched and participated in something that seemed very foreign and taboo breaking. It was so odd because, not only had I rarely, if ever seen it practiced before, but it went against EVERYTHING I had learned growing up in the SDA Church! I was very scared and really did not want to participate in this activity, but eventually did. I was afraid that I would be shamed, humiliated, embarrassed, and rejected--for that would have been my experience had I done this same thing in the Church or with Church people.
There is a saying in the addiction recovery movement, “You are only as sick as the secrets you keep.” So, as part of the 12-step process, I, the addict, had compiled a list of things done wrong to myself and to and/or with others (sins, if you will), and then I shared that list in detail with my group of fellow addicts. Every sin, every secret. Nothing held back. Nothing left out.
I had fully exposed my true self and stood shivering with fear in my emotional nakedness. What I experienced next was surprising, shocking, and yet a most glorious gift. I received acceptance, not of my sins, but of who I was: a human being who by its nature makes mistakes. There was no shame; there was no rejection. I was among peers. We were all in the same boat. We were all human.
It was later, after some thought, that I realized that what I had experienced in my Church up until that point was, frankly, unbiblical. We Adventists had taken the prohibition of not confessing our sins to the Priest--as practiced by the Catholic Church--to such an extreme that we had completely ignored the Biblical command of James 5:16 to “...confess your sins to each other...” And notice what comes next in the text: “...so that you may be healed.” So, healing comes from confessing our sins to each other! That is what I experienced that day and every time since then when I have practiced the Biblical act of confession with safe people.
Now back to the question: “What is the Church’s part in this tragedy?” I must confess that from what I see in the SDA church today, although progress is being made in this area, we are clearly not where we need to be. For the most part our Church is not a place where the Biblical practice of confession of sins is taught or tolerated. Masks of phoniness are still worn and subconsciously encouraged. We have become the Pharisees and Sadducees of our day--the hypocrites--paying attention to the details of the law and ignoring the heart of the law. In order to look good, we have lost our authenticity by covering up our humanness. We have put our religious leaders up so high on pedestals that there is no way for them to get down without falling!
It is my belief that as long as the Seventh-day Adventist Church, and thereby all of its institutions and people, continues to remain ignorant of the transactional nature of the male-female relationship and its inherent potential for the sexual downfall of the male,
As long as the SDA Church and all of its institutions and people, does not take into account the extra sexual challenge that comes to being a spiritual, religious leader and educate and prepare resources for these leaders,
As long as the SDA Church, and all of its institutions and people, is unaware of the process of brokenness that led many of its people to serve others, and that that brokenness still lives within each of those servants, and that without a healing process, could lead to their eventual downfall,
As long as the SDA Church, and all of its institutions and people, does not stop practicing the sin of denial and allow for the true nature of mankind’s sinfulness to exist within it systems by utilizing the Biblical tool of confession of sins in a safe place and discouraging the false god of perfectionism through shame,
As long as these understandings continue to be ignored by the SDA Church and its people, and as long as the current practices of our institutional system are not changed, there will always be more stories like my Friend's. And there will always be stunned amazement that this could happen, as well verbalized by one of our SDA Educational Leaders, who was quoted as saying, “No one would expect one of their coworkers or colleagues to have this kind of an issue.”
I am not saying that with these understandings and their resultant changes to the system, my Friend would have been saved from his downfall, but I do believe that if he had been in an environment where these understandings were taught and prepared for, the likelihood of this happening would have been decreased.
Even if the SDA Church and all its institutions implement these necessary changes, there will always be sin in the ranks for we live in a world of sinful human beings, and until we get to Heaven, that fact is one that will not change. So, the sooner we come to terms with our conceptions of what sin is and what a sinner looks like, the sooner we will be able to help and avoid the tragedies that my friend represents.
As I thought about my answer to the question, “What was my part in this, personally?” I remembered that there were several of my Friend’s friends, myself and the former student I previously mentioned included, who in the last 6 months noticed that something wasn’t quite right with him. Some of us attempted to reach out and offer whatever help we could. Last month after noticing a couple of his’ cryptic Facebook posts, I sent him the following private message:
“Dude! Are you OK? Are your vague and nebulous posts cries for help or are you just playing with us?
Either way, I just want you to know that you are not alone.”
I now understand why he did not answer and did not respond to others reaching out to him. It was already too late. He was trapped.
From this experience I have learned that I need to trust my hunches more and follow through on them. I need to be more proactive in my friend’s lives.
When Jesus told the parable of “The Good Shepherd”, it was a story of going after the lost sheep, searching until it was found, untangling it from the mess it was in, and bringing it back to the fold.
It is clear that this parable shows us how Christ wants us to relate to lost sinners. This is the attitude I would also like to have and like to see exhibited in my Church and its institutions. No, I do not mean that my Friend should now be restored to his former place or, God forbid, quietly moved to another place, but it would also be wrong to crucify him. It is my understanding that someone else has already taken his place on that cross. However, I pray to God that we will utilize this opportunity to get our heads out of the sand and learn from this tragedy, so that it will not be repeated again.
(6) Ellen G. White, Patriarchs and Prophets, p. 459
