By Gary L. Clendenon (c) 2010
After years of research and observation, I have come to a somewhat startling conclusion. I believe the secret to a lasting, successful marriage is two foundational characteristics held and practiced by both spouses:
1. An awareness and belief that a good marriage doesn't come easy but that with work will get increasingly better.
2. A commitment to do that work a marriage relationship requires and to see the marriage through difficult times to that better end.
Because I am a bit of a romantic at heart, I was startled that my conclusion didn't come down to what is commonly defined as "love"--emotional heartfelt warm, gooey feelings towards one's spouse. Nor did it come down to issues of "compatibility". Nor "things in common". I acknowledge that these things are vitally important, yet, when it comes down to the secret of a successful marriage, it is my belief and conclusion that "love", "compatibility", and "things in common" are not as important as advertised!
If the advertising campaign was changed to focus on my two foundational characteristics of a successful marriage, I believe there would be many more successful marriages! Sadly, for numerous reasons, I do not believe that will happen; and yet, I will do what I can to make those around me aware of what I have learned. For, it is my desire for every marriage to succeed.
Although my secret to a long, successful marriage is simple, I am painfully aware that the work and practice of said secret is NOT simple. It is complicated, painful, and messy--very messy. That is one of the reasons that long, successful marriages are such a rarity. We live in a society where people have been conditioned to have everything be simple and easy. Some have called it the "throw-away" society. Sadly, the secret to a long and successful marriage is one of the things that has been thrown away. Most people aren't interested in the reality of "complicated, painful, and very messy".
There is an old saying that has passed out of favor that I think we would be wise to remember in this regard: "There are no gains, without pains..." (Benjamin Franklin, 1758). The message of pain, complications, and messiness leading to wonderful long-term gains is a hard one to sell in our current society. And yet, that is the message I offer. I believe the long-term benefits of a long, successful marriage far outweigh the short-term troubles that marriage by its very nature bring. And, I believe that is worth fighting for.
1. An awareness and belief that a good marriage doesn't come easy but that with work will get increasingly better.
2. A commitment to do that work a marriage relationship requires and to see the marriage through difficult times to that better end.
Because I am a bit of a romantic at heart, I was startled that my conclusion didn't come down to what is commonly defined as "love"--emotional heartfelt warm, gooey feelings towards one's spouse. Nor did it come down to issues of "compatibility". Nor "things in common". I acknowledge that these things are vitally important, yet, when it comes down to the secret of a successful marriage, it is my belief and conclusion that "love", "compatibility", and "things in common" are not as important as advertised!
If the advertising campaign was changed to focus on my two foundational characteristics of a successful marriage, I believe there would be many more successful marriages! Sadly, for numerous reasons, I do not believe that will happen; and yet, I will do what I can to make those around me aware of what I have learned. For, it is my desire for every marriage to succeed.
Although my secret to a long, successful marriage is simple, I am painfully aware that the work and practice of said secret is NOT simple. It is complicated, painful, and messy--very messy. That is one of the reasons that long, successful marriages are such a rarity. We live in a society where people have been conditioned to have everything be simple and easy. Some have called it the "throw-away" society. Sadly, the secret to a long and successful marriage is one of the things that has been thrown away. Most people aren't interested in the reality of "complicated, painful, and very messy".
There is an old saying that has passed out of favor that I think we would be wise to remember in this regard: "There are no gains, without pains..." (Benjamin Franklin, 1758). The message of pain, complications, and messiness leading to wonderful long-term gains is a hard one to sell in our current society. And yet, that is the message I offer. I believe the long-term benefits of a long, successful marriage far outweigh the short-term troubles that marriage by its very nature bring. And, I believe that is worth fighting for.
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