When to Talk to a Man!

The following relationship advice is from is from Chapter 6 of John Gray’s book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus which is entitled “Men Are Like Rubber Bands”:

"When to Talk with a Man"

When a man is pulling away is not the time to talk or try to get closer. Let him pull away. After some time, he will return. He will appear loving and supportive and will act as though nothing has happened. This is the time to talk.

At this golden time, when a man wants intimacy and is actually available to talk, women generally don’t initiate conversations. This occurs for these three common reasons:

1. A woman is afraid to talk because the last time she wanted to talk, he pulled away. She mistakenly assumes that he doesn’t care and he doesn’t want to listen.

2. A woman is afraid the man is upset with her and she waits for him to initiate a conversation about his feelings. She knows that if she were to suddenly pull away from him, before she could reconnect she would need to talk about what happened. She waits for him to initiate a conversation about what upset him. He, however, doesn’t need to talk about his upset feelings because he is not upset.

3. A woman has so much to say that she doesn’t want to be rude and just start talking. To be polite, instead of talking about her own thoughts and feelings she makes the mistake of asking him questions about his thoughts and feelings. When he has nothing to say, she concludes that he doesn’t want to have a conversation with her.

"How to Get a Man to Talk"

When a woman wants to talk or feels the need to get close, she should do the talking and not expect a man to initiate the conversation. To initiate a conversation she needs to be the first to begin sharing, even if her partner has little to say. As she appreciates him for listening, gradually he will have more to say.

A man can be very open to having a conversation with a woman but at first have nothing to say. What women don’t know about Martians is that they need to have a reason to talk. They don’t talk just for the sake of sharing. But when a woman talks for a while, a man will start to open up and share how he relates to what she has shared.

"How Women Pressure Men to Talk"

A woman sharing her thoughts naturally motivates a man to talk. But when he feels a demand is being made that he talk, his mind goes blank. Even if he has something to say he will resist because he feels her demand.

It is hard for a man when a woman demands that he talk. She unknowingly turns him off by interrogating him. Especially when he doesn’t feel the need to talk. A woman mistakenly assumes that a man “needs to talk” and therefore “should”. She forgets that he is from Mars and doesn’t feel the need to talk as much.

To reject a man for not talking is to ensure that he has nothing to say. A man needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he will gradually open up. He does not feel accepted when she wants him to talk more or resents him for pulling away.

A man who needs to pull away a lot before he can learn to share and open up will first need to listen a lot. He needs to be appreciated for listening, then gradually he will say more.

"How to Initiate a Conversation with a Man"

The more a woman tries to get a man to talk the more he will resist. Instead of wondering how she can get him to talk a better question might be “How can I achieve greater intimacy, conversation, and communication with my partner?” A woman can initiate more conversation but with a mature awareness that not only accepts but also expects that sometimes he will be available and at other times he will instinctively pull away.

When he is available, instead of asking him 20 questions or demanding that he talk, she could let him know that she appreciates him even if he just listens. In the beginning she should even discourage him from talking.

For example, she could say “Honey, would you listen to me for a while?” After talking for a couple of minutes, she could pause and say “I really appreciate when you listen to my feelings, it means a lot to me.” This appreciation encourages a man to listen more.

Without appreciation and encouragement, a man may lose interest because he feels as though his “listening” is “doing nothing.” He doesn’t realize how valuable listening is to her. Most women, however, instinctively know how important listening is. To expect a man to know this without some training is to expect him to be like a woman. Fortunately, after being appreciated for listening to a woman, a man does learn to respect the value of talking.

When a man feels appreciated for listening and he doesn’t feel rejected for not sharing more, he will gradually begin to open up. When he feels as if he doesn’t have to talk more, then naturally he will. But first he needs to feel accepted. If she is still frustrated by his silence then she is forgetting that men are from Mars.

Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus, pages 99-104.