Gary's Psalm

 

A Psalm

By Gary L. Clendenon © 2007

Every day

When I awake to the real world,

My heart is instantly under attack: slings, arrows, barbs, missiles, bombs,

Hand to hand combat, and the devious, repetitious, deception of infiltrators

Claiming to be on my side--to have something “good” for my heart.

My only defense is

To constantly keep You, O God, in my heart.

You surround my heart with a blazing shield of protection

Keeping me from unrelenting distraction

That assails me from every direction.

When I mistakenly

Let my guard down,

Instantly, my heart is swarmed over by the enemy.

Every nook, cranny, and crevice

Overwhelmed by attack!

Other times,

Ticking time bombs lie dormant lulling me into a false sense of peace until

EXPLODING!

Blowing away huge chunks of my heart

In excruciating pain!

Then there’s the insidious virus that quietly over time

Rewrites the DNA of my heart

From striking colors to shades of grey--sucking the life-force from

My God-given calling. Unaware, I face the world

Zombified!

In times like these I cry out to You,

Though sometimes, only a whisper from the last good place in my heart:

“SAVE ME, GOD, FOR I AM DYING!  Don’t cast me out of your presence!

“Create in me a clean heart, O Lord my God

And renew a right spirit within me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation.” (1)

And instantly You are there.

Uprooting the virulent overgrowth of evil,

tearing down the enemy’s strongholds,

Dismantling hidden time bombs, and

Rewriting the code of my heart’s twisted DNA.

As color and warmth and light return

To my heart,

Then to my face,

And then to my life,

I praise You, O God, for your never-ending grace and mercy.

I lift up my sword

To YOU, My Champion,

And turn

To face the battle

Again.

1.  Psalms 51

"How Do I Know that GOD Loves Me?" (Grace Note #102)

 

How Do I Know that GOD Loves Me?

(Grace Note #102)

By Gary L. Clendenon, January, 2024

The other day, a friend of mine asked me a really good question: “How do you know that God Loves you?” He said he wanted me to answer without citing outside sources—just from my heart and mind. This is my best effort to answer that question:

Growing up Christian, I was often told the Bible taught that GOD loved me. So, intellectually, I accepted that teaching. All my life, I have never had any reason to doubt that there is an all-powerful, everywhere-present, all-knowing God. It is the only rational explanation I could and continue to find for all that amazes me about our bodies, our lives, nature, our planet, and our universe—intertwined, interdependent systems everywhere all seemingly created somehow to work together in harmony. To me, it would be irrational to not believe there is some kind of Superior Intelligent Being that created all this. In my opinion, based on logical thinking, the theory of Evolution requires as much Faith, if not more, to believe in than the theory of Divine Creation.

So, naturally, with that in mind, as a young man, regarding GOD’s Love for me, I chose the then popular mental attitude amongst Christians: “GOD said it. I believe it. That settles it for me.” In other words, since I believed in GOD, and His Word the Bible said that GOD loved me, then whether I felt that Love or not, did not necessarily make it untrue. Just because I didn’t feel it, didn’t mean it was not true. Since I believed GOD was perfect, then—logically—the problem had to be on my end, not GOD’s.

However, as you well know, life is more than mind. My heart and spirit experience life on a different plane than mental certainties. My daily experience is a variety of positive and negative experiences and emotions. On that level, to be fully honest, I have struggled off and on for many, many years with the idea that GOD loves me—never mind feeling that Love. I often felt like the little girl with the flower: “He loves me. He loves me not….”—never knowing until the end what answer I would get!

In my beginning years, I was raised in a Christian culture that focused on Pharisaical perfection—seeking God’s approval through fear and shame-based acts of appeasement. “You’ve got to do right” one popular song said. This mindset naturally led to shame-based judgments of myself and others who weren’t measuring up to the standard of perfection. So, if I couldn’t “do right”, I had to at least look like I was doing right. I learned to pretend with the best of them. I was good at it and even won awards for my “goodness”. But, pretending is hard work. Have you ever tried to be perfect? IT’S EXHAUSTING!

By the age of 40, through various extremely-painful, life-altering experiences, my life had crashed and burned. I ended up in a treatment center for those who, like me, who had hit bottom. During the following month, I learned that full honesty and vulnerability were my keys to living a good life—not pretending to be someone I’m not. I was an absolute fool for thinking I could fool GOD anyway (What an absolutely absurd way of thinking! LOL). I then learned the beginning sparks of the idea that GOD could love and accept me “just as I am”.

A few years later the sparks of that flame were fanned in an enormous way by a weekend seminar I attended called “Foundations for Tomorrow”. It was in this seminar that I FELT—as I had never felt before—completely loved and accepted by GOD. The message embedded in my brain, but never really connected to my heart until that magical seminar was felt by my heart and soul: “I was fully Loved and Accepted by GOD!” (1)

So, ironically, it turned out that being able to feel fully loved by GOD in my heart could not fully happen until my head was in a space of awareness that could resonate with that idea as true. I was holding onto beliefs that were incompatible with a belief in GOD’s Love. Once I got my head understanding of “who GOD is” straightened out, only then could my heart and mind align—confirming the Truth I had been told and taught all my life: “God is Love.”

I have found the Universal Truth “Hindsight is 20/20” to be very true in my experience. And now, looking back on what I know and feel now, it is easier to see the moments of experience in my life that were attempts by GOD to reach me with that Love. Now, having a better glimpse and understanding of what GOD’s Love looks like and feels like, I can go back and connect to those key, special moments throughout my life where I saw or felt a glimpse of GOD’s Love. These moments, one author calls them “God-winks”, seem few and far between, but each one was, and now is, a treasure to me—a treasure that gave me just the amount of Hope that I needed to not give up, and the Courage to go on until that next special glimpse. I will now share an overview of some of these special glimpses. (2)

1. NATURE: All my life I have experienced the beauty, awe, and majesty of Nature: cumulus clouds, mountain peaks, amazing snow, living forests, symmetrical trees, green grass, fragrant flowers, winding rivers, incomprehensible oceans, beautiful beaches, color-popping sunsets, and the black, night sky filled with uncountable stars and planets. I’m often left in my Nature experiences with the whole-body message that “It all must be true”. There is a God and that God is showing love to me by saying, “I made all this for you!” (3)

2. MUSIC: A second way I have experienced glimpses of GOD’s Love is through the power of music to touch my heart. There’s something magical about music that can make it go straight to the Heart, and for this reason, I have always treasured the way I feel when hearing and feeling the messages of different songs. Naturally, growing up Christian, there were a lot of songs that spoke to my heart of GOD’s Love, but in an age of way-too-many seemingly old, stale, hymns what, I believe, saved my Christian experience was a singing group called “The Heritage Singers”. It was in their songs that I most felt the Love of GOD shining through, reassuring me of His Love and care for me. (4)

Although I couldn’t quite make sense of it at the time—because non-Christian music was thought to be evil, I also experienced a strong heart connection to many popular songs of my growing up days. I now understand that since GOD’s Love is Universal and cannot be contained in Churches only, it can show up anywhere—even in a “rock song”! I have, as I’m sure you no doubt have also, experienced this with many non-Christian songs. My life’s theme song is by a rock group called “Kansas”. It’s called “Carry on My Wayward Son”, but when I sing it, I sing “Gary, you’re my wayward son. They’ll be peace when you are done.” Another one of my all-time non-Christian favorite songs that speaks to me of GOD’s Love is: “Leader of the Band” by Dan Fogelberg. (5)

3. MIRACLES: From time to time throughout my life, I have experienced unexplainable miracles. These are moments when it was very clear to me that GOD showed Love to me by directly intervening in my life. In the same way that GOD works in the Bible—waiting until the last possible moment when there is no other way of escape or rescue, GOD has shown up consistently just like that in my life. It seems that GOD wants it to be very clear and without any doubt that it was Him—and no other—that came through for me.

That makes sense, though, doesn’t it? Given our human tendency to forget—or explain away—unusual circumstances, it has to be a REALLY BIG DEAL to help us see that it was something Supernatural. When GOD does this kind of miracle for me, I feel strongly aware and deeply cognizant of His Love for me. When I am tempted to doubt GOD’s Love for me, I can bring to memory these miracles and feel reminded of their message to me. (6)

4. PEOPLE: When it comes to Love, one would think that this would be the #1 way of seeing GOD’s Love, but, in my experience, people are very confusing! The ones who are supposed to Love us are also the ones who often hurt us most. And yet, in spite of all that hurt and confusion, I have seen down through the years of my life, glimpses of GOD’s Love—shown to me directly by people: Family, Friends, and even Strangers. Because these glimpses are often unexpected and seem unselfishly motivated, I choose to receive these acts of kindness and Love from other people as tiny glimpses of GOD’s Unlimited and Unconditional, Always-Faithful Love.

Unselfishness is a characteristic of the kind of Love GOD gives, so since we live in an almost-always-selfish world, these acts of unselfishness stand out strongly to me as GOD-inspired, and therefore are clear signs to me of GOD’s Love. These acts of Love speak to me of a glimpse of what a world without sin and selfishness would look and feel like—probably all the time! They help me believe in GOD’s Love during those challenging times when I’m not seeing it or feeling it.

5. PETS: When I was a child, we had several pet cats. I loved them deeply. As I held them, snuggled them, petted them, and heard their joyful purr in response, I felt loved in a way that I had never felt with any human. Because this was outside of human love, it suggested to me that it could be true that there was a higher love than human love and this GOD who said He loved me could love me like a cat loves me—and because He’s perfect, even more and better! (7)

6. FREEDOM: By nature, I am a man who is wired with a VERY strong desire for and belief in Freedom. The fact that GOD believes in Freedom, also, is a HUGE evidence to me of GOD’s Love. I have said it this way: GOD has a poster on His wall that says, “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they’re yours. If they don’t, it wasn’t mean to be.” (8) At a great risk to Himself, GOD honors the Free Will of all His creations.

We’ve seen what happens when GOD’s created beings freely choose to go their own way—without GOD. The daily disaster and devastation of the news testify to the wreck created beings make when we reject GOD’s Love. Free Will is VERY messy, but, at it’s heart, it’s rooted in pure Love. That, for me, I find very reassuring and affirming of my individuality. Or, to be more “on topic”, I feel Loved by GOD when I know GOD honors my Free Will.

7. PARENTHOOD: When I became a parent, something broke inside of me and I experienced something I had never experienced before. I felt a love for my child that I had never felt for anyone or anything before. If you are a parent, you will understand; if not, you won’t, nor can’t, but I’m sure you’ve at least heard of or witnessed this undeniable truth. We parents love our children—almost excessively—and will do anything, even up to sacrificing our own lives—for them.

This breakthrough in my heart also created a breakthrough in my understanding of GOD’s Love for me. Knowing how much I love my children, and what I would be willing to do for them, and knowing also how broken, imperfect, and conditional my own love was, gave me a new understanding of how much GOD, “Our Father in Heaven”—the Perfect Father—could Love me!! “He Loves me! GOD Loves me!!"

So, Friend, these are the evidences I have and hold on to that show me and remind me that GOD undeniably Loves me. Because I know GOD Loves me, I am also quite convinced that GOD Loves you and, even more than that, as “Papa” GOD says in The Shack book and movie:

I am especially fond of you.

FOOTNOTES:

1. Here is the website for this amazing seminar which I highly recommend! https://foundations1.com/

2. For more on “Godwinks”, I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/When-God-Winks-Coincidence-Godwink/dp/0743467078

3. Because it resonates with my heart as true, I love how Ellen G. White states this idea: “God is love” is written upon every opening bud, upon every spire of springing grass (Steps to Christ, p. 10). This quote inspired me to write the linked poem: https://notesfromthegc.blogspot.com/2024/01/surrounded-poem.html

4. The Heritage Singers are still around: https://www.youtube.com/@HeritageSingers

5. I even rewrote the song to make the message more clear to others: https://notesfromthegc.blogspot.com/2024/01/leader-of-band-song-i-re-wrote.html

6. For one of my most recent miracles, go here: https://notesfromthegc.blogspot.com/2024/01/god-stole-my-car.html

7. One of the coolest songs I have EVER heard connecting GOD’s Love and a pet’s love can be heard here: https://youtu.be/H17edn_RZoY?si=2A5MAW2KyvaqfLQE

8. This is from “Gary-ism #24”: For more Gary-isms, go here: https://notesfromthegc.blogspot.com/2022/01/gary-isms.html

"My First Encounter With Pornography"

 

"My First Encounter With Pornography"

By Gary L. Clendenon (c) 2008

(Posted on Myspace May 12, 2008)

 

It started when I was 10 years old.  My life was filled with the innocent preoccupations of a child that age: What would we have for dinner?  Would the Rams win their next game against the Chargers?  How many touchdowns would I score at recess?  Could I go to Doug's house after school?  Where would I find another board to expand our tree house?  What would a penny look like after the train ran over it?  What color should I paint my '69 Pontiac model car?  How could I get out of practicing the piano?  Why couldn't adults be more like my cats--warm, cuddly, and glad to see me?  You know, important questions like that.

Riding my bike one day in a large parking lot, in the section where men worked on their cars, I noticed a stack of magazines next to the curb.  Being a collector of all things, an avid reader, and naturally curious, I decided to investigate.  I looked around to make sure I was alone and then started sifting through the stack.  At first I found car magazines, and then as I sifted deeper, I was shocked to see a scantily clad attractive woman staring at me from the cover of one of those magazines I heard my friends talk about in hushed tones, but had never actually seen.

I was drawn to and surprised by the power of her eyes.  They seemed to be trying desperately to communicate something to me.  Yes, me.  She was looking at me.  She had a special smile on her face--a kind of smile that I had never seen on a woman's face before.  It seemed that she liked me and wanted me to come closer to her, as if she had something special she wanted to tell me, or give me, or share with me.

A part of my mind suggested that I should put down the magazine and ride on--you know the voice that later you wish you had listened to, but I liked her smiling at me.  I liked how her eyes made me feel welcome and special.  It seemed a little strange that she would care about a 10-year-old kid like me, but growing up in a cold, critical, conservative Christian culture, I welcomed the warmth she seemed to be offering me.  It seemed that she very well might have the answer to my question about cats and adults.  I wanted that answer.  I wanted her warmth.  After another look around me to see if it was still safe, then I accepted her invitation.